The Second Time Around

So today was my first "Shoshoni epiphany" as they call it.
And by "they," I mean "I."
Throughout most of my first week here, I wondered if I was even meant to return. I labeled myself "too analytical," or "too obsessed with shopping" to be out in the wilderness letting everything go. If I were to be honest with myself, I'd have to admit that the initial need to come to Shoshoni (both times) stemmed from not wanting to be a grownup. I enjoyed my first time here, I learned some fun postures, met some cool people, then went home and instantly reverted back to my old habits. It was as though I'd read a brochure that took a month to get through, rather than actually going anywhere.
Part of what drew me back here was the observation that so many people who come here experience vast change--they see life more clearly, they see themselves more clearly. I suppose I wanted that.

I also kinda needed to not sit around on facebook for 4 months. Yeah, that too.

The breakthrough didn't happen for me until I had a huge mental obstacle put in my way (thanks, Ganesha). The thought started off joyful enough, so I thought "why should I let this go, when it makes me so happy?" All through meditation, yoga, and seva (selfless service), I'd latch onto this thought, not realizing that it could manifest into something, as the yogi's call it, "not-so-hot."

As this mental obstacle tormented me, I had a greater need to let go of these thoughts--even the joyful ones. During meditation today, rather than sitting there and bemoaning the pain in my hips, I sunk into the Ganesha mantra (Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha) and deeper into meditation. My mind still wandered, but the determination to not be lead by thoughts turned into a deep joy--the kind that fills your entire body.

It was that same night that I decided to share my evening with nature, rather than people I'd try to impress, or alone in my dorm room.

It's not enlightenment, and meditation is a slooooow process, but now I realize my first time at Shoshoni was a "taster" for the real work to come.

And I couldn't be happier that I came back.

It's a Shoshoni cat!

Namaste.