In the spirit of entering "well into adulthood" range, I thought I would write an update about the joys of being an adult. There are plenty of how-to-adult guides out there (thanks millennials!), so I'd like to take the more positive route and confirm young children's beliefs that being an adult is, in fact, all that.
And so, without further ado (seriously, you're slowly dying, no more delaying the process), here is a list of reasons why being an adult is the best thing since sliced bread.
1) You have the opportunity to get creative with sliced bread.
No need to see those two minimum-wage jobs you're working as a soul-crushing act of dehumanization--think of it as an opportunity! Without the ability to buy real ingredients for real meals, you now have the chance to break out those childhood creative thinking skills and work that off-brand bread. Think vegan croque monsieur. Triple-decker bread sandwich. Your disintegrating apartment ceiling is the limit.
A delicacy, really
2) No more pesky crushes.
Remember how intense those crushes on that one football/soccer/chess club player could be as a youth? Remember those wasted notebook pages filled with love notes and Hallmark-induced musings that taunted you through high school? Remember those hopeful G-chats filled with cringey emojis and clichés?
Just me? Alrighty. Moving on.
As an adult, you won't have time to crush on that hottie from gym class. First off, there are no more classes, so in order to have a crush, you'll either have to settle for that dolt from work, or you'll have to gain some superhero motivation to venture out into the world and be a person. But, better yet, you'll have far more pressing, glamorous, adult concerns to occupy your mind--such as:
Will I be able to pay rent this month, or will I watch my entire savings account disappear?
Should I starve tonight or tomorrow?
Will I still be able to produce healthy children with all their brain cells intact?
Will I be able to support myself, much less a family?
It's like problem-juggling. And don't tell me you never wanted to take up juggling as a kid. Now's your chance.
So crushes? Nah. More like crushing reality that you are your only anchor in this world.
3) No more cranking up the heat of your bedroom.
Your newfound layer of belly fat will take care of that insulation for you. But hey--no more gym class!
4) Forget that ambiguity.
Remember when guidance counselors asked you where you saw yourself in five years and you wondered if you would be riding a horse on Saturn? Well, I'm here to tell you that in your twenties, there are far fewer unknowns and ambiguities. For instance, I may have had no idea where I would be in five years as a sixteen year old, but at 24, I can confidently assert that I will be staring at my masters degree five minutes before my shift at the grocery store, wondering where it all went wrong.
And who doesn't love to have a plan?
You may question where and if you're going to live in the next year, but you sure don't have to deal with those pesky "what if"s: what if I don't get into my dream school? What if I disappoint my parents? What if I never get married? You will know for a fact that you couldn't even afford to look at your dream school, you have, without a doubt, already disappointed your parents at least five times, and forget that wedding if you don't have a spare $20,000 lying around.
And you used to think it was only God who had all the answers. Welcome to adulthood, my friend.