"You will need this skill later in life..." SAID NO ONE EVER

In high school, I could've go a day without some teacher claiming that "we would need this later in life." Understandably, I've had to crank out a few essays, read closely, and I still can't get away from those goshdarn locker combinations, but some things--sorry teachers--were just torture devices in our adolescent years, and I have never seen these "life skills" since I left those dull and depressing doors of high school.

So, without farther ado, I present to you:

Kira's sparkley and amazing list of things we do NOT actually need later on in life:

1) Long division
Last I checked, calculators were everywhere. Even if you don't want to nerd it out and spend your entire paycheck on a graphing calculator, you can pick up your cell phone, pop in a few numbers, and POW! You have your magic answer. I mean, seriously. If you're at a party, and you have sixteen friends there and 30 cookies, you're gonna have zero friends and a stomach ache if you spend the next twenty minutes scribbling out on a piece of paper, only to find out that everyone has to split the cookies into sixteenths (okay, I didn't actually do the math. But you get my point). And I resent the fact that even if you've got this whole long division thing down, and y'know, you're feeling pretty cocky and maybe start jamming out to some Maroon Five, wouldn't you know it, you put the 2 in the wrong place and the whole thing gets screwed up. That's just wrong. For the sake of the easily distracted, let us use calculators. When I'm stranded on some island and am at a loss as to how many people go into our magical life-saving boats, you can say "I told you so." 

2) Dodgeball.
Dodgeball is not a sport that anyone plays for "fun." It is for the big popular kids to bask in their big popular glory. When was the last time you heard someone come back from their 30th high school reunion and say they had a wild night of dodgeball? That's right--'cause it didn't happen. Because those big popular kids become balding alcoholics, and the people who are now successful are too scarred from teenage memories to even think of the game. 

3) The waltz
Okay, so people do use this one in weddings and sophisticated parties, but I'm distraught that I haven't had the opportunity to actually dance where that's supposedly the main purpose. I mean, those giggly groups of girls you see straightening their hair in the bathroom? Yeah, they all claim they're pumped to dance, but go into Indigo and you'll see a bunch of alcohol induced ass shaking. Grinding may be easy, and you don't have to take a class to learn how to get up in someone's face like that, but it looks stupid and slutty. Where is the classiness?? Next time you're at a club, as Jenna Marbles would say, I dare you--I double dog dare you--to waltz in the middle of a club. Hey, you never know what could happen if you start a trend. Drunken waltzes may be the next big thing since dresses that stopped halfway down your ass.

4) I-Messages
Let me just start off my saying I'm genuinely shocked that no one has turned this into an i-phone app--you know, with a little screen full of conflict resolution tips, cute "I'm sorry" emoticons and whatnot? Yeah, pretty genius if you ask me. As the "Hippie Quaker" of my friend group, I've been known to try to end conflict as soon as it arises, but that usually goes something like, "alright, I don't wanna fight; I'm outta here. Let me know when you're not pissed anymore." Because you know what happens when someone says a well-intentioned I-Message? The other person will very politely nod, look like they're considering the other's statement when really they're thinking about blueberry muffins, then go, "yeah, well, sucks to be you." Then gender depending, they'll go spread some rumors about that person or punch them in the face. Possibly both. I-messages are far too formulaic for the circumstances. Let's be real here, one of those joys of fighting is to see who can get the most creative with insults. I find the "you're a bitch" arguments to be dull and fruitless, but there's much glory in "you're a dog-faced newt!" "oh yeah, well you're a pickle-toed mulberry! So there!" No one wants to get boxed into conflict resolution when they're on a roll with their new set of comebacks. 

And lastly, on a happier note, you will never ever have to know how to brave the politics of the cafeteria world ever again. Unless you work in a fashion magazine. In which case, you're screwed.

Namaste.