Why I wish I was a vampire

No, I'm not gonna go all Bella Swan on you and say I'm desperately in love with an oddly feminine looking vampire. But after taking a class on these creatures, sometimes I think life would be easier if I was a blood-sucking, glamoring thing.

1) You'd save a ton of money on glitter.
Sparkly body spray can be expensive. And when Bath & Body Works has the ever enticing sale of "buy 3, get 3 free," you're practically obligated to grab 3 sparkly mist bottles off the shelves. But why spend 30 bucks on glitter when you can just step out into the sunlight, and, voilà, you're sparkly! Sure, you don't get the added advantage of smelling like vanilla or "Twilight Woods" (oh, the irony), but you can spend that body spray money on extra True Blood. Okay, mixed metaphors here, I know.

2) You can sing this amazingness that is this song ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME:

3) Fangs are a heck of a lot scarier than "Don't make me slap you."
Every time I've tried to seem intimidating, or serious, I end up just squeaking and people go, "aw, you're adorable when you're mad." You don't even have to try to look scary when the fangs come out. People know you mean serious business. Let's be real here--no one's gonna try to farther provoke someone who has sharp, pointy things coming out of their mouth. Unless they're pipe cleaners. Then they just look like a walrus. Koo koo ka choo.

4) You don't have to eat or sleep.
Okay, sure, you have to hunt, but that's only on occasion and you can save a shit ton of time by not stuffing your face with krispy kreme donuts salads. I mean, do you know how much time the average person spends eating and sleeping? Me neither, but that could be precious time saving the world, or more importantly, getting fantastically good at Angry Birds. What is the obsession with that game, actually? I don't even know.

But I digress. Hours upon hours could be spend educating yourself, making vampire friends, and saying really cool things like "I vant to drink your blood!" Oh, if only every vampire had Dracula's accent.

4) No more five paragraph persuasive essays
Instead of giving claim, data and warrant, you could just get right up to your teacher, look him/her in the eye and say, "you want to give us free pizza every single day." Not that vampires eat pizza, but y'know, for the sake of the other classmates (as some vampires can be quite selfless), you could save a lot of convincing time by just doing that whole glamoring thing. Maybe if I was a vampire as a youth I would've gotten a pony.

Also, you get to wear fun capes.

Namaste.