How Not to Write a Novel

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who can write, and those who can't.

The people who can't start off their books with "there are two kinds of people in the world."

Well.

So lately, I've been thinking of making my blog more advice-y. Can you adjective a word? I think Calvin and Hobbes would be mighty proud. But while I enjoy writing about the random-ness that is my life, I thought I would try and give back to my loyal readers (hi, Mom) and share some knowledge that I've acquired throughout my nineteen years. For instance, I've learned that you should leave the black jelly beans untouched, and no that's not racist, licorice flavor is just gross.

A lot of people technically can write. Fewer have the desire to produce a novel, but it's turning into more of a thing what with "learn to write!" apps and fancy word docs and keyboards that sing at you.

That last one should be a thing. Your keyboard should start playing a Red Hot Chili Peppers song if your sentence flows well enough.

Anyhoo.

Fewer people still can successfully sit down in front of a blank word doc and produce a novel. But you want to--congratulations, you've won at least three months of hell on Earth!

Before we get started on this writing tips series, I'd like to share with you how NOT to write. Because believe me, if there's anyone with experience with shitty stories, it's Stephanie Meyer.

But it's also me.

So without further ado, I present to you, how to write a really horrible novel that will make you cry anytime you read it! (Not in a Fault in Our Stars way, more of a, ohmygod what have I done to deserve this kind of way).

1) Writing an autobiography with slightly different setting and character names.
So you've heard that you should write what you know, right? So obviously the next time a boy breaks your heart, you should type up your journal and sell it as the next hit thing. I mean, it's easy. You just take dialogue from real life and bam, you're a novelist? Gosh, why don't more of your friends become novelists? They're certainly melodramatic enough.

Okay. Okay. Breathe, oh-hormonal one.

The difference between writing what you know and writing out your life story is a huge one. If you want to write a memoir, that's great. That's wonderful. But you shouldn't disguise a cat as a turtle. Keep the setting and characters the same. Label your work as a memoir. But try to find some way to distance yourself from the course of events. Perhaps view them as how a friend would, or take a humorous perspective. The whole "woe is me" deal just doesn't work, unless it's done ironically.

So you still want to write fiction, huh? It is a terribly sexy genre.

Let's say you played soccer for ten years. There was this one time when a guy on the opposing team kicked you in the shins so hard, you had to go to the hospital. You just thought he was being aggressive on the field, but later you found out he was trying to keep you from going to the homecoming dance so that he and his girlfriend wouldn't be threatened by homecoming king/queen potential.

If you want to keep fiction true to form, write nothing about soccer vs. homecoming. Write about a soccer player who lives in a world where sports are viewed as Satan's art instead.

You know a lot about the subject; the fun part is where you can make up the experience.

2) The love triangle.
I know what you're thinking. "You are mighty witty and fabulous, Kira. Of course I'd love to gift you with a lifetime supply of coffee."

But also, "so many successful authors write about a chick who must choose between two hunky guys and isn't her life so sad, wah, wah, boo hoo?"

First off, thank you. I accept all dark-roast coffee. And second, yes the love triangle is a thing. But it's also a formula. A last-resort kind of approach. And do you really want your first novel to be a "I'm scrambling for an idea" deal?

The successful authors generally do not get their recognition from the love triangle. Why do you think romance novels aren't studied in universities? They're not challenging anything. It's a repeated regurgitation of "girl meets boy. Girl becomes flattered by boy's compliments. Girl falls in love with boy. Girl becomes surprised when boy is only looking for sex. Girl meets other boy in hipster coffee shop. Girl must choose between sexy boy and boy with heart. Girl is scarily close to choosing superficially sexy boy, when girl gets hit with the morals-brick. Girl marries boy with heart, which is always good, because boys without hearts are generally dead."

Your beginning novels should be inspiring, or thought provoking or something other than "I can flail my fingers around a keyboard too!" 'Cause I just wrote your great love-triangle idea in eight sentences.

3) Vampire fiction is getting a lot of attention; I should write about those!

Incorrect. Just...go watch some True Blood and get it all out of your system.

Namaste.