A Conversation With Hair

So as I'm sure all you curly haired folk can attest to, we're on quite the strugglebus. I mean, those with flat-as-a-board haired can't mess with their hair and be the next Carrie Hope Fletcher (obscure YouTube references, anyone?), but they can also hop out of bed, grab a gallon of coffee, and go on their merry way.

Do you know how hard it is to burn your head at 7A.M.??

That extra hour of sleep can turn you from this:

to this:

Then again that extra hour of sleep is the difference between this:

And this:

It's kind of a thing when you show up to class as a cross between a poodle and a forest in which you could discover entire civilizations.

So there's a simple solution to this, right?
You might think a ponytail would be the answer to the poodle-headed sort.
You would be wrong.

The thing about ponytails is that they look fantastic on angular faces. Angelina Jolie, that's why we're all (not so) secretly jealous of you. For the softer faces, pulled back hair makes us look we've tried to impersonate one too many chipmunks. On the plus side, 60 years from now, we'll look like we're 40 years old. Or something.

But then there's that whole hair tie ordeal. Scrunchies have been obliterated in the land of the '90's. Thick bands are alright, but get them to wrap around anything bigger than pine cone width, and you're SOL. But even though those hair-ties-gone-supermodel can't stretch the entire length of Europe. And thus, I've come to realize the worst sound in the entire world:

The hair tie snap.

I'd argue it's worse than nails on a chalkboard. Oh yes, I went there.

Which means the only solution is dividing your hair in two, no? Preferably, hair salons around the world would realize I do, in fact, have enough hair to donate to Locks of Love, its just not lengthwise. So for now, it seems simple enough to go the braid route. It's a fantastic compromise...until your hair tells you it would rather make you look like a five year old off to play in the sandbox.

At this point, you're twenty minutes late for class, and you wonder how you ever get out in the world to begin with.

So what do you do?

There are several courses of action you can take:
1) Go get a billion dollar job and get your hair chemically straightened until you go bald.
2) Pretend you live in the '70's and that it's cool to have a forest on your head.
3) Get up at 3 A.M. and burn your hair (Call now and you'll get free sleep deprivation!)
4) Become a hermit.
5) Why the hell are you becoming a crab?
6) Sometimes I crack myself up.
7) Where were we?...Oh that's right, the list.
8) I don't know, dude, we're all just screwed.
9) Just have a really great personality to make up for it.
10) Or a body that would make Jillian Michaels eat a tub of ice cream.
11) I'm totally kidding, just get some tits and nobody will even notice your hair.
12) So this is getting awkward.
13) Erm...bye.

I'm thinking we should all just get dreadlocks and be done with everything.

Namaste.