Passively change?

I've heard a lot about "change" this past year--graduating high school is a change, as is starting college. Those are the kinds of changes that are easy to label, easy to see. Yet there are also differences in people that are harder to notice, that you can only subtly see. People are always changing, always forming into ways that will better themselves. But are these re-formations subconscious, or do humans actively decide to be different?

When I went to Shoshoni, I observed how everyone around me so easily let go of their emotions and attachments, that I felt like I would be horridly un-acceptable as a human being if I got excited over a new shade of lip gloss, or the millionth pair of jeans I just had to have (see previous post). As my surroundings meditated like a boss, I felt lost when I'd close my eyes and start thinking about coffee. As far as I could tell, my hip joints got more flexible, my wardrobe was significantly different, but my mind wasn't. So when I returned home, I pretended that I'd gained spirituality and that I'd "seen the light" (not like that), when really, all I saw was a 50% off sale at Kohl's that made me want to do a little happy dance. I told myself I'd be a failure if I had nothing to show for my month at Shoshoni, yet a month later, I was back to my same old emotion-holding, shopping fanatic self. Which made me believe I was doomed to never experience personal growth. Because if technology fasting and five A.M. meditations wouldn't change me, nothing would. 

So starting college as the only person in the world who feels like she's still fifteen years old (because obviously, every other nineteen year old is wise and has figured their entire life out), I got into an argument with my friend. It was about something stupid really--something like cheese, or politics. I can't remember--but we got plenty worked up about it, tangling ourselves into one giant spider web of conflict. I responded in a way I thought I always would: Trying to get out of a fight. But my other friend commented that "high school Kira never would've done that." Huh. I wasn't actively trying to respond differently, it just sorta happened.

It seems that when people are determined to change themselves, they act different for like, two seconds, then they revert back to old habits. It's like dieting: If you're consciously aware you're trying to make a difference, your brain goes something like "mwahahaha, I will make all the bad habits in the world come and bite you in the ass!" And then you cry over a few episodes of America's Next Top Model, which just makes you feel worse about yourself. But if you're just going about your daily routine, do do dee do, you may notice that something's different. And no, it's not the horrid brown paint they decided to slap onto Wal-Mart (why, I ask you?). It's you. Also, it's the fact that your fairy godmother is standing right behind you. Turn around. Damn, too slow. Ya' just missed her.

Namaste.