I had an emotion: The Twilight Epidemic

So I may have broken my promise to myself to quit feelings cold turkey. I had an emotion, a very strong emotion.

Was it about friends, family, or the fact that sleep seems a mere concept in my life?

Nope. I had an emotion about Twilight.

I'm not talking the new Breaking Dawn movie, either. That was pretty quality. It's always a good time when people's heads get chopped off  and babies turn into teenagers in the blink of an eye. That film, I admit, was a guilty pleasure, yet I fail to see any literary merit in a series that tries to make snow sound all mysterious by describing "swirling bits of white." However, my vampire class--a college class, mind you--has been assigned to watch Twilight. So while my homework is bearable, my hope for the classics of the future is slowly disintegrating.

First off, the running themes in our class are how vampires deal with the moral dilemma of having evil desires, and eroticism in vampire culture. Yes, there is quite a bit of sex in vampire literature, but it's not like, "oh, the reader is probably bored right about now, so I should probably throw some kinky stuff in." Vampires feel pleasure from drinking blood; it's in their nature. But Edward, oh Edward, has got to be the most human vampire on the face of the planet. He's all, "oh, I want to have sex with you, but, you know, morals and stuff." The whole movie is basically Edward being holier-than-thou because he hunts animals and then starts brooding about how he hasn't had human blood in over a century.

Obviously Stephanie Meyer tried to make it so that Bella's discovery about Edward's "true self" was the climax of Twilight, but it basically went something like:
"I look like a fifth grader's art project in the sun...I'M A KILLER!" Clearly Edward needs to take a course in logic, or something, because last I checked, glittery skin did not indicate a murderer of any sort. I mean, can we please have some burning going on in the sun? 'Cause sparkles on painted on abs aren't cause for a "woe is me" moment.

And yet, Bella still follows this melodramatic creature around, not because he's sexy (let's be real here--nothing can beat Jacob's abs), not because he's intelligent (I figure missing school any day it's sunny would give his GPA a real beating), but because he's all broody and mysterious. I'm not sure if broody is a word, but it perfectly describes Edward's persona throughout the entire film. He repeats this mantra of "I've got some shit to tell you, but I can't, because I'm Edward freaking Cullen." And obviously, what high school girl wants a stable relationship with a normal guy? Puh-lease. Forget that there's a freaking sexy werewolf who is kind and generous and has a sense of humor that wants to date Bella. Of course any girl would want someone that she has to play constant guessing games with and to overshadow her if he so much as breathes.

Not that vampires need to breathe. But that's beside the point.

But what really gets me is that after hundreds of years, Edward is still desperate to go to high school. He could probably get away with at least college, or moving far, far away to become a lumberjack or something. But no. It's cliques and droning teachers that remind Edward of "the good old days." You'd at least think that re-doing high school twelve million times over would teach Edward how to blend into the fashion world of teenagers. Maybe Edward enjoys being the sophisticated, wise sage of high school...or he just wants a bunch of hormonal teenage girls to be all over his sexy British accent...

..WHICH HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE!! Come on. Twilight would at least be bearable if the producers let Robert Pattinson keep his British accent. I'm sure they could work it into the story that his family was originally from England. But no. They have to dull what could easily be the sexiest part of the film with an American accent. The only time we can even hear a hint of awesomeness is when Edward says "worry." Then it's back to "yeah, I kinda wanted to kill you all along, whoops, have I said too much?"

But apparently this series hasn't butchered vampires enough to hide from it in shame in a college class.

What is this world coming to?

Namaste.