Like my status?

One of the things about Shoshoni that really struck me was the guru Babajii's humility. Everyone at the ashram admired him and reminded him of his greatness, and even though he takes each person's opinions to heart, his ego doesn't grow into the size of a pumpkin because of it. I mean, people bow down to him and send him prayers every day for Krishna's sake! If that was me, I'd be sitting on that couch going, "bow, minions! Mwahahahaha!"Babajii attributed much of his knowledge to his teachers, and simply put a spin on the ideas that had been passed down to him. Yet you don't bow down to an idea--you bow to a person. Humans get uncomfortable when we can't put a face or name to an idea. Just yesterday, I told my dad about a joke on facebook I'd found: That the passing of gay marriage laws and marijuana legalization made perfect biblical sense because "every man who lays together must be stoned." To which my dad replied: "you're funny." I hadn't come up with joke, because I voiced it, the idea, and consequently the praise, was directed at me. I knew this, yet I still felt like a comical genius who should be standing alongside Eddie Izzard. Or something. So it surprised me when I found that the guru at Shoshoni had gotten 20+ years of direct worship and was seemingly unfazed by it. Babajii was one of the most down to earth, approachable gurus I have ever met. Not that I've met many a guru, but that's beside the point.

Sri Shambhavananda, or "Babajii"

In 4th grade, our class did a role play activity in which we were merchants on the Silk Road. Our "Calcutta Dogs" group won because the two other members were skilled artists and because we had some luck with gold, yet as a "winner," I felt more than entitled to our reward: At the sound of our authoritative "grunt," the rest of the class would have to bow down to us. As an objectifiable expert, I believed the grunting reward to be mine, all mine! Turns out, the grunting technique doesn't necessarily work on the bully who knocks you off the tire swing.

That got me thinking: Can anyone truly detach their achievements from themselves? The yogic guru may play it down, but we don't know his brain. He could be walking around, all enlightened and stuff, going, "yeah, I'm awesome!" The world will never know. He has a lot of sound advice to offer anyone hobbling down the yogic path, so he gets deserved attention, but how is it possible not to let the external assurance seep into your soul?

To me, status is something that becomes a part of me. And I don't mean "out with the girls, texttttt" (although facebook statuses have also become a part of me--more on that later). I mean that whenever I achieve something, that isn't just an action that my body did. It's a part of my memories, my emotion. When I (miracle of all miracles) got an A on my science blogs, I leaped around for the next two days feeling like I could do a happy dance, like a smart cool kid. Because I had success, I was successful. Because my teacher liked my blogs, I was liked. It's difficult to separate the person from the action.

But when can status take us too far? What if, for the rest of eternity, I thought I was fabulous at science, then walked into a chemistry class? What if the Shoshoni guru walked into a Catholic church? If people are treated a certain way because of certain audience, their entire lives turn over when they leave that safety net. I once met a woman who was so set in her authority because she had lived in the same community for twenty years, she was convinced she could criticize someone who had lived there for one day, and was so disoriented, she couldn't even tell someone her name. Now, obviously I'm not the best sweeper in the entire universe, but to go "I've lived here for twenty years, so I can tell you your sweeping technique is weird and inappropriate," is just flawed logic, that's coated in false confidence about status. Not to mention that her status was due to the fact that one of her family members had created the community she was living in. (I just realized I made it sound like I was dancing on tables or something whilst sweeping--I was doing nothing of the sort.)

Then again, status shouldn't be completely ignored. We're a culture that likes to see how things are progressing, to have something to show for our existence. To go from undergraduate, to masters, to PhD is rewarding because it shows you've worked hard. And just as it's exhausting to put a lot of effort into your achievements, it's even more tiresome to try to place the credit elsewhere, while others are trying to convince you that you're amazing, a genius, a Van Gogh of the generation, minus the ear bit. In the movie The Nun's Story, Sister Luke tries to disregard her genius because she thinks it selfish to revel in her accomplishments. She had a constant internal struggle with her ego and her desire to be pure because her surroundings told her achievements were never to be acknowledged. Now, I don't know much about the convent lifestyle, but in my view, if Sister Luke had just acknowledged her success and moved on with a bit more confidence, she could've gotten a lot more done, and more importantly, been happier.

So how can you be happy with your achievements without seeming like a cocky, pompous ass? For me, a lot of my pride is found in writing, and much of my deepest insecurities are exposed throughout my stories and poems. So if someone likes or dislikes my fiction or poetry, it's as if they're also deciding whether they like or dislike me. In that case, my ego can inflate or deflate in an instant. But with more factual writing, such as an analytical essay, I don't feel any personal connection to the work. For English class, I wrote an essay about the ideas portrayed in Lolita; my teacher was pleased with the essay, and obviously I was pleased with the grade, but it never occurred to me to link that grade to my worth. I saw it as taking ideas that Vladimir Nabokov had, and putting them into my own words. I attributed the ideas to the author, rather than myself. So perhaps Babajii gives his advice as though he's writing an analytical paper--he's adding in direct quotes from his teachers while offering his own spin on them.

It's possible to have un-biased status, but we shouldn't always ignore the ego. Sometimes it's worth it to do a little happy dance and revel in your awesomeness.

Namaste.