Day 7: Surya

Today's practice was surya namaskar, or sun salutations. I found myself smiling at the irony that after day 5, I had vowed to expand my horizons to other practices. But much like the other days of Adriene's yoga journey, I appreciated the slow, foundational approach to the sequence. With each breath, I was able to tune into how I was feeling. I noticed my abs saying hey, a nod to yesterday's practice. I focused on the breath and the intention I had set earlier that morning—inner and outer strength—rather than "oh god, how am I supposed to keep up with this? Does that girl not have any limbs? How the hell is she doing that? Am I supposed to transcend gravity?"

While there has been a certain degree of inner judgment about my lack of physical ability, I have also noticed more moments of pride. I am slightly more flexible than I was when I (re)started yoga. I am far more in the present moment. I notice things outside of myself. When running for 30 seconds and feeling like I was about to die jogging, I took moments to observe the plants, the sky, and a little bunny that I scared as I came careening towards him.

I've been practicing identifying trees, flowers, and birds. Proud to have noticed a Japanese maple on today's run/walk.
https://www.thetreecenter.com/bloodgood-japanese-maple/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwrJ7nBRD5ARIsAATMxstwLvfklUAn2KltvxkuS9rwkAgMrxyCTMrBHrk5A7JjYF0i7e0ajdsaAtXcEALw_wcB

The whole slow moving thing is a process.

In keeping with Adriene's last few videos, a majority of the practice consisted of physical cues rather than philosophical musings. Yet when she stops to remind us about our inner self, our inner practice, those words are all the more powerful: move intentionally. Live intentionally.

Many of my sentences start with "I didn't intend to..." I didn't intend to eat that entire pint of ice cream. I didn't intend to apply to grad school, but here I am" (twice). "I didn't intend to spill my cup of coffee all over the new carpet." I have often received feedback that in blindly going through movements, I have let things happen to me, rather than actively choosing what I want to do. I have gone through the motions, done things that other people have told me to do, mirrored others' actions and habits.

Moving intentionally in an exercise context is (relatively) simple. Living intentionally is trickier. For a long time when I could choose what I wanted to do, I went, "well, I'd like to huddle in my room and watch ten hours of Crazy Ex Girlfriend."

Obviously that doesn't create a very fulfilling life—I know what I would say to a friend who asked about living intentionally, but it's harder to apply to myself when the act of Trying to Be Like Others is so ingrained in my head. So, as one does, I took to the Internet as a guide to help me ruminate on how I can live intentionally.

Becoming Minimalist (already unintentionally there, ayyyyy!) offers a few key steps to live intentionally, the first being "realize that your life is made up of choices." On a logical level, this seems easy to accept. In the past, however, I have often felt cornered by one decision, or felt paralyzed whenever I had to make a choice between as little as two choices (Korea or grad school? Colorado or Pennsylvania? Soup or salad? The important decisions). Yet one thing that this article reminds us is that we are not ruled by our past. Life is riddled with bad decisions, questionable patterns, and a whole lot of "why the hell did I think that was a good idea?" The only thing we can do is try to move forward in tiny little steps rather than spring out of bed going, "today is the day I am going to be the most brilliant, giving, competent person alive!"

Improving as a person is a noble goal. Putting pressure on yourself to improve all the things at once results in disaster, regret, and whole lot of bizarre Amazon purchases.

http://bloggers-heart-books.blogspot.com/2013/12/hyperbole-and-half-by-allie-brosh.html

The key here is little things. Maybe when I try to get exercise "over with," I can notice how my legs feel, how much stronger my arms are getting, how I appreciate that I have a healthy, capable body. Maybe when I feel inclined to judge myself for not knowing all the historical elements of WWII, I can ask someone to teach me (learning from others—besides teachers—has been difficult for me). And maybe rather than hate myself for learning and doing things slowly, I can set one achievable each day.

So yes, I did feel like I was going to die after 30 seconds of jogging. But I did it for the first time. I walked when I needed a break, and picked back up again. If I had gone in with the intention to run my entire route, I would deem myself a failure. But I went into this new practice with curiosity, to explore the level that I was at, and to congratulate myself for doing something new. No one asked me to. I wasn't trying to be like a person who runs. It was intentional.

Namaste.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8KKL8qHVuY