As humans, we have to feel dedicated to something. Family. Passions. Work. Pets. I have, at various points in time, felt dedicated to one or all of these things, sometimes out of joy, but primarily out of fear. Fear that I would fail, that I would let someone down, fear that I would be perceived as boring or useless. Yet through this fear, through this determination to "win" at my job, to collect hobbies that would appear impressive to other people, or to prove that I was a family person, I burned myself to the ground and left myself wanting nothing other than to disappear. More importantly, I realized that most of what I was doing was in an attempt to appear a certain way to others, to win their approval.
Where I lacked dedication, however, was in self care. While I would do the symbolic yoga class, my main focus was either on exercise, or everything that I had to do after yoga. During the worst of my depression, I practiced a couple guided meditations, only to grow frustrated that after two fifteen-minute sessions, I hadn't turned into some spiritual guru who wore mala beads and said wise things like "life is suffering. Go live on a mountain and everything will be okay."
While I used to mock therapists who said "have you considered mindfulness?", after weeks of feeling no sense of purpose or self, I realized that I hadn't actually considered mindfulness. I considered hopelessness paired with some downward facing dogs. Morning after morning, I would peel myself out of bed to force myself to do a 20 minute yoga practice (on YouTube, as the notion of showing my unmasked face in public sent me into shock and horror). While I normally went through the motions of these practices, sure that I was the exception who couldn't possibly feel better, I started feeling a tiny sliver of hope, faith, and desire to know my authentic—rather than my performative—self.
With that desire, I want to embark on the first non-work or school related project I've worked on in years. Yoga with Adriene has a 30 day yoga series called Dedicate, with each day focusing on a guiding concept. As I build strength and dedicate myself to recovery, I will use this series to explore how I evolve, how I confront the challenges of cultivating self-love, and how I ultimately work towards finding myself.
Day 1: Discern
Day 2: Foundation
Day 3: Observe
Day 4: Feel
Day 5: Flow
Day 6: Core
Day 7: Surya
Day 8: Meditate
Day 9: Divine
Day 10: Expand
Day 11: Courage
Day 12: Curate
Day 13: Space
Day 14: Grace
Day 15: Reveal
Day 16: Dulce
Day 17: Learn
Day 18: Love
Day 19: Listen
Day 20: Lead
Day 21: Light
Day 22: Steady
Day 23: Joyful
Day 24: Balance
Day 25: Alive
Day 26: Drop
Day 27: Power
Day 28: Dedicate
Day 29: Celebrate
Day 30: Liberate
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