Day 11: Courage

Today's practice was also one I'd visited before, for obvious reasons. Having left a job and come home to Pennsylvania in a mental health crisis twice, I was feeling like a failure, a coward who simply couldn't handle life. I was ashamed that even when I was "doing well," it took a tremendous amount of courage to go to the grocery store. I denied that moving to Colorado was an act of bravery, as I went to grad school because it was familiar and safe. I went to campus and retreated back to my apartment. Going to Wal-Mart with my roommate felt like a grand odyssey. I was an imposter who feigned bravery, with the exception being that one time I got dumped and made it my life's purpose to be a strong, empowered empowered woman (this resulted in some very bizarre meetups with self-proclaimed psychics).

But Adriene, who has turned into something of an "angel on the shoulder" figure, in her inspirational, but not-taking-herself-too-seriously way, stated that just showing up was an act of courage: "it's not easy to show up for ourselves and examine what's inside, rather than just avoiding it."

This doesn't exactly apply to me. I have spent an embarrassingly high percentage of my life examining what's inside. But showing up for myself, rather than showing up despite or against myself, that's a new phenomenon. As a chronic self-reflector, I knew my attributes that made me "wrong" or different in some way, but rarely did anything to change it. Instead, wallowing in misery and self-hatred was my MO.

Talking about my feelings comes easily to me, much to the chagrin of everyone around me. Going to therapy and doing self-healing homework does not. But, low and behold, it helps. So does prioritizing things like yoga and reading as forms of self care, rather than efforts to "be better at humaning," whatever that means. And, ironically, when I get out of my head and engage in those hobbies for the sake of joy, I end up being physically stronger and more mentally focused.

And then I get to actually comprehend books about octopus blind dates. And that's hella cool.

When we show up for ourselves, we're not necessarily taking bubble baths or putting cucumbers on our eyes. One of the strongest components of courage is acting in the face of fear. Climbing Everest is an obvious act of courage (although I would highly recommend that you not do that this year), but so is getting out of bed when you're severely depressed.

Just because somebody else's act of courage is a more typical act of bravery, that does not discount your own ability to take yourself out of your comfort zone. I have friends who are taking solo trips to California just because. I also have friends who have lived with their parents their whole lives. That latter group demonstrates courage in other ways.

With courage comes compassion, an ability to identify people as no better or no worse than others. I may not be taking solo trips across the country, but I push past my preference for never leaving the house or learning new skills by finding new events to attend or groups to meet. I say yes to more opportunities. I go to a different grocery store. I've started jogging 3 days a week even though I'm terrible at it and can only run for a total of 8 minutes. But I'm doing it. I'm showing up for myself. I'm taking what I've learned through a miserable, eye opening, confusing year and moving forward.

Namaste.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_5q_vIgPkA