Day 2: Foundation

I began day 2 feeling rather proud of myself, as I pulled myself out of bed at 7:00, rather than my usual 9:00. I have a tendency to deem the entire day wasted if I "officially start my day" after 9:00, and figure I might as well just wait for it to be bedtime. It doesn't make sense, and it isn't productive, but neither is most of human behavior, and yoga is all about observing human behavior and letting go of judgment.

So I'm essentially conducting research.

For the first time in years, I caught myself panicking that I'd wasted the day, even though it was 7:45 and I had a total of like 4 things to do today. So, picking up my discernment tools from yesterday, I reminded myself that I was here to peel away layers of anxiety and self-hatred on less productive days, and just slow down without becoming a blob under a blanket. There is, apparently, a middle ground between going 100 MPH and refusing to ever move.

As Adriene guided us through a slow warmup, I found myself more willing to listen to her words, to trust that we would eventually start moving. It wasn't exactly helpful to think about how many calories I wasn't burning when my entire mission was to improve my mental state. One observation in particular made me pause and consider: "I always find myself exploring off on a trail, and then having this moment where I remember, how's my foundation? How is the soil? How is that which I am building on? Is it steady? Is it cracked?"

While I've known that I needed to come back to the basics—in yoga and in life skills—for a while now, the way Adriene framed visiting the foundational made me recognize that I need to explore the foundation of me. While I very much relate to exploring the "trail of academia," so to speak, it was more akin to speeding through a marathon in which the finish line was external approval, professional merit, and financial reward.

While professional merit and financial reward aren't necessarily bad goals, they're still outward focused. Even when I thought I was checking in internally, I wasn't necessarily investigating my foundation, or my "soil." Rather, I was exploring how my "seeds" might be perceived by those around me.

Metaphors are weird. Basically, I was internalizing perceived outward judgment, rather than thinking about who I was or what I wanted.

I didn't spring out of my yoga practice ready to pursue a whole new career or explore a new hobby, but I have found myself taking more agency in what I want to do on a day-to-day basis. I already have a propensity for letting others tell me what to do, and depression Kira wanted everyone to drag me through each and every move. But whether it be therapy (in which I'm also exploring the foundation of me), drugs (thank god for insurance and modern medicine), yoga, or some combination of the three, I've found myself looking forward to trying a few new things, and for exploring the world, rather than letting it crash down on me.

There were also plenty of ab and arm strengtheners, which was nice. It's nice to revisit the physical foundations of pole and recognize opportunities for growth in that respect.

Until tomorrow,

Namaste.