Pancakes Clearly Beat Waffles--Settling the Debate Once and For All

There has been an on-going debate about several things: Universal healthcare, same-sex marriage, and all that jazz (seriously, jazz is quite a controversial genre of music!). But one of the most vicious debates is the infamous pancakes versus waffles. And I just have to let the world know that it is an act of naivte and cruelty towards pancakes to choose waffles.

I mean, pancakes are already the underdogs in this world. They don't have a house named after them. I mean, how would you like to be given the same word that is used to describe bunnies? It must be terribly embarrassing for the pancakes to explain that no, they don't hop, but they do zingafy, which, in breakfast food language, means to become an explosion in someone's mouth.

Sure, waffles may look nice ans syrup-friendly with their convenient sockets, but they lie to us. Waffles take all the syrup for themselves. They are the black holes of condiment world. They just suck it in, the greedy bastards. By the time you've poured your desired syrup amount on your waffle, you turn around for a second to say hello to Johnny Depp, and the syrup is GONE! The Pancake is a selfless carbohydrate. It waits patiently for you to converse with sexy celebrities, and resists temptation to suck in the syrup for itself. That is the sign of a breakfast food that wants nothing more than to please its eater.

And just as both breakfast foods normally arrive in a round shape, the possibilities for pancakes are endless. You could make Christmas trees, Easter bunnies, the Pope. But then you would be eating the Pope, and that's kind of awkward. My father once made a pancake in the shape of my stepmother. Can you make stepmother-shaped waffles, I ask you? I mean, sure, you can get a heart shaped waffle maker, but then you're stuck eating hearts for the rest of your life. There's no turning back. You've limited yourself...and just think, if you've broken up with your boyfriend Alphonso, and now you have to stare at cupid's mockery, and life is just so cruel.

You did it to yourself, buying that one-shape waffle maker. Pancakes are so versatile, they're like the Mcgonagaalls of the breakfast world.

Plus, there's no STD called "the blue pancake."

Namaste.