so this isn't Kira. At least, not the 19 year old one who obsesses over Nerdfighteria and allows herself to be seen coloring in public. This is a guest post by her 15 year old self. I think she wanted me to stop hogging the bathroom while I stared at my eyebrows for two hours.
Uhh, not my fault I plucked my entire eyebrows off. She gave me shitty tweezers.
So I'm supposed to give you guys advice about life. I mean, a lot of your problems can be solved with unprecedented angst, but I'm getting paid by the word here, and I'm kinda poor, so let's just go with it.
I really like this guy and he kinda likes me back, but he also likes to flirt with other girls. He's said he might date me, but IDK...should I wait for him?
Yes. Every day. You should also send him a bajillion messages on facebook before he even appears online. Also, wear a shit ton of makeup because you're trying to impress him. Memorize his class schedule. Make sure you hang out with him for at least fifteen minutes before and after school. If you're in his face enough, he'll eventually realize how pretty/funny/girlfriend worthy you are. Oh, and wear insatiably low-cut tops (just avoid the nip-slip seeing as embarrassment is pretty much death). Smile and say "oh, you're so funny!" whenever he finishes a sentence. But actually listen to his sentences, in case he tells you his dog died and then you're the biggest dick in the world.
Choose your after school activities according to his interests, and every time he flirts with a girl during those clubs, stick your fingers in your ears and go "lalalalalalala I can't HEARRRRRRRR YOUUUUUUU!"
I'm trying to lose weight through eating more veggies/exercise, but it's not really working. Any help?
There are two ways you can go about this:
1) Avoiding food completely. Food is the enemy. That piece of cake will make you fat, but so will that carrot stick. If your parents catch on and complain about your thinness, realize they're jealous and insist that you've already eaten. You have already eaten...ten days ago. And exercise like Jillian Michaels is always watching.
2) You can also go the crush route. Become so obsessed with a boy, that you just can't eat or sleep or be a functioning human in society. All of a sudden, an apple will seem like the hugest meal in the world. And you'll be so busy stalking his facebook page and writing love letters that you won't be able to sneak in those pesky snacks.
One of my parents re-married and now my stepfamily and I share a family. It doesn't really feel like a complete family, and it's kind of awkward to talk to them. What should I do?
Okay, communication is soooo overrated. You only have to do this for however many years before you're off to college/MacDonald's/your rich older fiancés house. You just want to hole yourself up in your room for as long as humanly possible. Try to sneak some pop tarts and water bottles so you don't have to surface for food and water. Always plug in your headphones so your family can't question your taste in music. When surfacing from your room is absolutely essential and you have run-ins with humans, stick to "hi," "bye," and "lovely weather, we're having." Seethe in your own resentment towards the awkward that everything your family does angers you to the extreme, then complain to your stuffed dog about it.
My hair has been looking frizzy lately and I hate it--but my parents are afraid that straightening it will permanently damage my hair. Help?
Look, there's a fair chance your parents were born in the '60's. Big hair was a thing, but so were big drugs. Your parents may pull the straight-edged look now, but they had their fun with detrimental conscious-altering substance, and they turned out to be alright parents.
When you're under 30, your body just has this certain spring-ability to it. So go ahead, and damage the shit out of your hair. Wake up at 5 every morning to burn it with a flat iron. Go to the hairdresser, point to the rodent on your head, and say "I want it gone!" Then clarify, saying you don't want a buzz cut, 'cause that's so not fetch. Bleach your hair. Don't let anyone see it in its natural state. Your parents will occasionally resent you for it (and by resent, I mean ground), but you're your own person. YOLO.
Oh wait, YOLO must not be a thing yet, past-self. Woops.
And if you're curious about what I looked like at 15...
Namaste.
No comments:
Post a Comment