If Car Tires Ruled the World

I recently watched one of the most absurdly awesome movies in the history of cinema. It almost beat Little Miss Sunshine...almost. Rubber follows the life of a psychic car tire who uses his powers to blow people's heads off. You would think it's really disturbing and gross, and you would be absolutely right. But even though this terrible injustice happens to living birds and humans alike, you end up bursting into laughter anyway.

The soundtrack does wonders to this film. But towards the end, even though I was watching this tire destroy innocent souls, I started to feel sorry for Robert the car tire. All he wanted was a girl to love, and to be able to float in swimming pools (although my father made the point that he ultimately couldn't do either of these things because he would get too tire-d). I started convincing myself that perhaps there should be more psychic car tires in the world...that they should get more value in our society. I mean, how insulting is it that we keep spare tires in the trunk of our cars, as though we expect the hardworking tires of today to crap out at any second?

You wouldn't keep a spare child in the trunk of your car, now would you? Don't answer that question.

But upon farther reflection, it's easy to realize that it would be a terrible mistake if we let car tires rule the world. I mean, you know how I feel about cars. They are already killing machines. Imagine if we put brain-powered killers on top of (or bottom, rather) those murderous vehicles? We'd need to get some PSA's ASAP to the groundhogs of the highway world. And I mean, what if the cars and tires got in fights about where they wanted to go next? The car could be quite loyal and allow its owner to direct him to New York, whereas a psychic tire could have plans to go to Long Island, and in the end, the car would end up exploding, along with the person inside it. And that just puts a damper on your road trip, doesn't it?

As we've been taught since pre-school, communication is the key to any civilized society. But since car tires can't talk (don't be ridiculous, that's just impossible), their only "revenge" of choice is to blow someone's head off. Imagine if we did the same every time we felt used, or abandoned, or weren't particularly fond of the weather? We'd be locked up for the rest of eternity (or the rest of our lives--whichever comes first)! Robert the car tire had no way of saying "please don't throw me outside this hotel room--I was actually watching those step aerobics." He just had to go shake his little rubber self and end the maid's life. Violence is not the answer, kids. Make muffins, not war. Unfortunately, car tires can make neither muffins, nor war, so they just have to keep rolling down the road, hoping humans catch on that rubber has feelings too.

Tires do have one thing going for them, however. The verb "to roll" indicates pure cool-ness. Unless you're rolling dough. Think about it: "They see me rollin'/they hatin'/patrolling they trying to catch me ridin' dirty." If Chamillionaire isn't cool, then I don't know what is.

At least Robert the car tire has enough sense to take a shower after he rides dirty.

Namaste.