Why You Shouldn't Like to Be in an Octopus' Garden

So when your friend group is the size of Vatican City (although a very charismatic Vatican city), it's kind of expected that you know each other and date each other and promise that you will never change your mind--the sanest of promises for every 16 year old, I'm sure. But what really blows your mind is when you venture outside of the pre-determined clique to date someone, and hey, funnily enough, someone in said group knows that outside person and worlds collide.

This is what I call the love octopus' garden.

Wait. What?

Allow me to explain.

Once there was a young hopeful named Esmeralda. She had the finest hair in all the land, and had to swing it down from a tower in order to let her suitors climb up and kiss her and end the spell that turned her into a frog.

Okay. That's not right.

Once upon a time there was young hopeful named Esmeralda. She had the frizziest hair in all the land, and the tendency to switch schools whenever she got bored. So there she was, mingling between two high schools, when she met a young suitor named Pluto. I don't know why his name was Pluto. It just was. Well. Pluto was enticed by Esmeralda, and took to holding hands and watching awkward movies for two whole weeks, which is like an eternity in high school world. Esmeralda felt safe from all the other desperate pick up lines in the world, because clearly, every girl in a relationship has "taken" stamped on her forehead. That is just how the world works.

But she was not safe from one suitor. His name was Alphonso, and he was British. Despite that teeth issue, you just can't resist that sexy British accent.

Okay, okay. So he was a second generation Brit and didn't have an accent. Details, people.

So Alphonso, in between Esmeralda's romps with Pluto, would court Esmeralda with such sophisticated pleasentries as "you're kinda weird" and "you know, your hair looked so much better long." And Esmeralda would laugh and blush, as naive teenagers tend to do.

But, she was taken. So our friend Alphonso devised a plan. Little do we know, Alphonso was part of Pluto's friend group. And he had tried to court Rita, one of Pluto's friends, with little success. He had resented Pluto's outshining abilities (especially with the latest news about his namesake...not even a planet anymore, and still getting girls! Gosh), so he scoured for Mignonelle, the infamous ex of Pluto.

Well, it turns out that Mignonelle was in love with her adorableness, Esmeralda was still being courted by Alphonso, and Pluto was still pining after his loss of planet status. And everyone died, the end.

Okay, no one died. But do you see? Do you see when friend groups intermingle? It becomes a love octagon (Alphonso and Pluto's first ex, Alphonso and Pluto's second ex, Alphonso and Pluto's current girlfriend, and Alphonso and Pluto, those who wish for the other's ultimate demise), which everyone knows ultimately turns into a love octopus!

Which begs the question: In this tangled up garden, why on Earth would John, Paul, George and Ringo wish to be there with us?

My only answer is they're attracted to the tortured artist syndrome. Because this is not a very pleasant garden.

Plus, Octopi can eat you. Look it up.

Namaste.