Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Bad Advice

I'm all in favor for giving/getting advice. During the most tumultuous of times, the only positive can be having those long, boy crazed philosophical discussions with friends. As much as adults tell us they're here to listen, how could we possibly trust someone who fears the internet? We can try to put ourselves in another age group's shoes (and trust me, I have---why don't those light-up sneakers come in adult sizes??), but when we talk to people our age, it's much more likely that they are going through the same (or similar) situation. And while my friends are the best advice-givers of sorts (they've given me many-a-blog ideas), I've heard of and experienced several pieces of advice that equate to telling Voldemort to stop trying to kill Harry and to start eating his vegetables.

1) You should break up with him. 
 Girlfriends often love three things: Movie nights, dance parties, and complaining to each other. It's addictive--worse than alcohol. Okay, whatever, I've never been addicted to alcohol. It's worse than chocolate. But it is scientifically proven that when women complain/are complained to, they are more likely to listen through it, rather than offer a solution. Yes, relationships are complicated and messy and oftentimes result in the girl asking "what should I do?" Do not be fooled. Even if the boyfriend says your friend looks like the Joker, do not tell that friend to break up with him. What do you expect when you offer that solution? "Oh yes, break up with him, why didn't I think of that before? I thought you said 'rake up with him'! Silly phone reception!"

Though that would make a fantastic Verizon commercial.

If someone is ready to break up with her boyfriend, she will break up with him. Maybe if she were in 6th grade, she'd have her BFF tell him it's over, but if you tell your adult friend in an adult way to break up with someone, they will be more likely to break the friendship, not the relationship.

2) Be yourself. 
 I'm sorry, you're my friend, right? Then you should know how ridiculous people act when they are actually themselves. It took me almost four years to reveal the insanity that is my brain to my best friend. The cover up is there for a reason, mostly because Revelon was having a sale.

Hah. Gettit?

But seriously. Liking long walks on beaches would not be a thing if we could actually be ourselves when trying to impress someone. Long walks on beaches are messy and hot and there are probably scary animals with sharp pincers.

If I were myself at work, I would start rapping about wrapping cheese and would probably evoke several stares. Not the good kind.

Do you know what happened the last time I was myself? I nearly fell off an eliptical machine, screamed at a television, slammed a cart into a wall, and sent a pile of freshly-wrapped cheeses tumbling onto the floor.

I think I'm watching too much New Girl over here.

3) Stop being so messy. 
 Every time I start a system of organization, I put something in a special place, nicely planned and laid out. I put all my shit in special places. Then I search my room for the next hour, trying to remember where that special place even was, because I'm so used to it being sprawled on my floor.

4) You look hot in that bikini
Nearly every woman who has ever gone bathing suit shopping knows how low her self-esteem drops when she tries on a bikini. While it's a nice pick-me-up, it's difficult to believe that those hips are anything other than love handles when it's your own self. Sorry.

Namaste.