If Celebrities Had Superpowers

So in my attempts to maintain some level of fitness this summer, I've been braving Jillian Michaels workouts--which is equivalent to lifting a hundred pounds of bricks over your head. My only consolation, while sweating through fifty minutes of Hell is well gee, at least she doesn't have the ability to reach out of the screen and kick my ass. 

Unless she had superpowers.

So what if we lived in a world where celebrities congregated and unleashed their secret powers? What would they be? Would they be heroes or villains? Would they squeeze the top or the bottoms of the toothpaste tube? Life's most important questions here, people.

1) Jillian Michaels--Curve destroyer. Villain.
Every time Jillian Michaels even looks at someone who has a moderately feminine shape, she has the ability to re-construct their body through a single glance. If there are hips or breasts, get Jillian to stare at you with that "no pain no gain" glare, and BAM! You'll have the flattest hip bones and chest in the entirety of womanhood.

Shiva Rea--Hypnotist. Hero. 
With her breathy spiels and water-esque movement, Shiva will have you melting into relaxation in no time. While she could very well make you late for your doctor's appointment, she only uses her hypnotic powers to turn the colder sort more relaxed and soft. She can turn an evening of hating the world into a spiritual hug. But not the awkward kind.

3) Brad Pitt--intelligence destroyer--villain
While Brad Pitt's powers work against a limited age range (12-25), that makes his abilities no less powerful. Every time a woman comes within a 500 foot radius of Brad Pitt, her ability to construct a coherent sentence is eliminated. She might be able to scream "GODDAMN YOU'RE SEXY!" But her mind will no longer be able to grasp complex, analytical thought. Normally conversations with this villain go something like "hi." "difdsaljfoieafjd;isjoa!!."

4) Paris Hilton--the love interest (too dumb to be hero or villain)--the money creator
Paris Hilton has the ability to create money out of thin air. She needs to printing press or actual talent. She just gets paid to dye her hair various shades of bleach. She creates the illusion that she does things with her life by looking vapidly at television cameras and calling things "hot." No human to speak of gives her this money. It just sort of happens.

5) Channing Tatum--Cologne sweater--Hero
Thinking of entering Abrocrombie & Fitch for the overpowering cologne smell? Think again! All you need is your own personal Channing Tatum and a sweat-inducing workout, and you will have a week's supply of cologne scent. It only comes in one scent, however: MAN. The more heavy lifting involved, the more cologne produced.

Namaste.