Day 21: Light

Late in the practice, Adriene noted that she thought about calling today "perspective." My first thought was that my perspective, while largely positive (yesterday was the first time I thought "if I'm not enjoying life, what's the point?), has snippets of self-punishment. I have a longstanding habit of goalpost moving, either for others or myself. Waking up at 7:30, which was a huge accomplishment a month ago, has become a failure. Having one part time job, while previously unthinkable, is not enough.

It's important to check in and see if, once you meet your goals, you subconsciously move the goalpost further and further until you're constantly disappointed with yourself. I admire those who make monthly goals—some months containing more goals than others—and who have compassion for themselves when they don't meet every single goal. And in my case, learning to relax is a noble goal. As David Levitan notes, it's okay to be doing what you're doing, and not doing something else. Also that multitasking is a terrible idea.

There was a lot of overlap between today's theme and previous days: finding the light within, using that light to unmask authenticity and joy, both in ease and in difficulty. There were moments of difficulty for me, especially in side lunge, but I found that my internal chatter that "I should be able to do this pose by now" was a lot quieter.

https://www.doyouyoga.com/4-ways-to-spice-up-your-yoga-lunge/

Much of my childhood has been founded by light. When I was born, I needed to be put under light for a prolonged period of time. My name means "shining light." I was raised in the Quaker tradition , and sang lyrics in school such as "Walk in the Light," "there's a light that is shining, there's a light that is free," and "as we leave this friendly place, love gives light to every face." There was an innocent lightness to my childhood, and with that came a crashing darkness when facing the hardship of adolescence and adulthood.

Colorado's tagline is "300 days of sunshine." While I was initially overjoyed that I would be leaving the grey of Central Pennsylvania, I later wanted the weather to reflect my gloom. Returning home, I would look forward to rainy days because I had an excuse to huddle in my pajamas. I would get angry at the sunny days. 

I've since found that my mood is not tied to the weather—I have felt a lot more internal light, despite State College's default rainy state. While my anxiety spikes when I experience a stressor (especially related to anything in Fort Collins), I breathe and remind myself that once I've done what I can to respond to the situation, I need to let it go and replace the intense worry with a light acceptance that things will not always be in my control. 

I still experience trepidation about my return to Fort Collins, as there are painful associations with it (although, to be fair, there will always be some painful associations with wherever one lives). But as Adriene so wisely stated, we have to honor the darkness in order to reach the light.

Namaste. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hPV48f--SY