There's Only One Way You Can Eat a Muffin Like an Adult

Step one: Enter Starbucks.
Step two: Flirt obnoxiously with barista.
Step three: Ask for a tall (none of that small, medium, large shit) coffee and a chocolate cream cheese muffin.

No. Don't tell me Starbucks stopped selling chocolate cream cheese muffins. I refuse.

Step four: Silently become outraged that you're shelling out what could feed a family for a day for a measly coffee, but outwardly pretend it's NBD.
Step five: Ask your teenaged child (for the childless, any teenager will do) what NBD means.
Step six: Lie and tell the barista that your cup name is "Nancy" or "Barb" or something equally grown up.
Step seven: Sit down and mention to your coffee date how much you love such-and-such jazz artist, but do not, I repeat, do not start jamming out to the beat.

That is never ever acceptable.

Pay no attention to the woman dancing behind the curtain

Step eight: Take a bite of your muffin. Comment on its deliciousness. You have one more time to say it's delicious. Use it well. Do anything but jam muffin into your mouth. Talk about politics with friend. Sip coffee politely. When you get the sudden urge to say "happy sexual Wednesday, friendship", don't.

Step nine: Finish muffin after ten minutes mark, but before fifteen minute mark. It's a tricky business, muffin timing. Make no jokes about muffin tops, only bemoan your own muffin top, if said coffee date is female.

Step ten: After a few bites are left on the wrapper, rub your stomach and proclaim that you couldn't eat another bite. Use second designated "this was so good" declaration.

Step eleven: Stop procrastinating and go the fuck to work. You're an adult, after all.

Namaste.

Thanks to MC for the muffin idea! You're made of awesome.