The Kitchen: A Friendly Debate Between Kitchen Perfectionist and Kitchen Doofus

It’s where meals are made, breakfast is eaten, and where we awkwardly run into each other when we’re trying to get a glass of water (“Excuse me,” and “no you go ahead,” “no, you” is often heard here. Yet between the meals, kitchen perfectionist and doofus are known to disagree on a few topics.

1)On coffee stains
Perfectionist: I’m going to need hot water, soap, Clorox, five towels, and don’t walk your coffee mug across the white carpet, darnit!
Doofus: If I rub the stain in with my sock, maybe no one will see it. And now I can have brown socks.

2)On twisty ties
Perfectionist: Twisty ties must wrap around the four layers of packaging around bread. Double knot the tie around a rubber band, but only if it’s blue. Otherwise, I’ll be eating stale cardboard for the next month.
Doofus: Hey, these are cool…I wonder if I could make a bracelet out of these things. Where’s all the bread?

3)On beverages
Perfectionist: Shake the container of 1.5% milk until the entire top surface tastes like foam.
Doofus: Shake your booty while you’re walking around the kitchen, looking for a can of soda.

4)On beverages, part two
Perfectionist: *Sees five bottles of orange juice in fridge* Damn. This one expired five minutes ago. *Throws all bottles in recycling.*
Doofus: If I leave an inch of liquid in each bottle, it looks like I take less and of course I won’t annoy the hell out of anyone.

5)On finding said doofus to correct her habits
Perfectionist: She didn’t stand the half and half upside down, between the milk and butter! Where is she?
Doofus: Follow the trail of chocolate chips.

6)On the kitchen counter
Perfectionist: You mean some people eat food on the counter? But this is marble. It’s for people to marvel at. You can eat this in your room so your coffee stain can have some company.
Doofus: If I eat an orange popsicle and some strawberries over the counter, maybe I can make a rainbow.

In the end, kitchen doofus and perfectionist learn to get along, after the kitchen is divided in two, one side containing cleaning supplies and well shaken drinks, the other containing ten bottles of soda and quite a few brown socks.