The Wild English Major Wildabeest

They're out there. They're eating your food, sharing your classrooms, breathing your air. At first glance, they may seem like harmless creatures--cute, even. But these are ferocious animals, ready to pounce at any moment.

The English Majorus may stem from several different genus. They can be difficult to distinguish from Complete Nerdus, I-Had-A-Weird-Childhood-us and the Great Eyeglassed Monster.

Habitat:
The English Major Wildabeest can be found hiding in her dorm, camouflaged under a university hoodie that is not actually her university. This species is unable to breathe for long periods of time in public areas, so she must often retreat to her home to come up for breath. Her home is easily distinguished by the various Dante references she posts around her wall, the fedora that is laying on her dresser, and the multitude of bookshelves.

When forced to depart from her natural habitat, the English Major Wildabeest takes to the back of classrooms, cafés that are not Starbucks, and...That's it. Then she retreats back to her home. It is common for the English Major Wildabeest to emerge from hiding on football weekends--she then hunts for the great ramen monster at the nearest Wegmans during game time.

Diet:
The English Major Wildabeest takes to eating ramen, mac 'n cheese, and Pop Tarts. This is a defense mechanism, in preparation for the long winter in which she will have to send millions resumés and live in a box.

The English Major Wildabeest does not always need food for energy, however. It is common for this species to gain energy from watching frat boys say stupid things to each other, being the example essay in class, and John Green novels.

Appearance:
The English Major Wildabeest comes in various forms of appearance. Often the female species can be spotted sporting a bun, braids, or some other hairstyle that takes less than ten minutes to accomplish. They may humor themselves by gathering in groups and trying to imitate the Popular Girl-us with the winged eyeliner look. This often results in humiliation and something that appears to be a black eye.

For warmth, the English Major Wildabeest can be seen wearing various Disney tops, and jeans that were on sale at Wal-Mart.

The male species can be recognized by his sweater vests, peacoats, and blue jeans with accidental holes in them. Sportswear is absolutely forbidden in this species' attire.

Both species can also often be found wearing glasses.

Behavior:
The Wild English Major Wildabeest is easiest to spot through her behavior, for she is one of the few of the college student species that does not enter the gym every morning. She may, on particular stressful days, run on treadmills for a few minutes, but this is odd behavior, and she is on danger mode the entire time. The English Major Wildabeest often uses a bound-paper rectangle with black print inside as a defense mechanism--this particular defense is called reading. It can be used as defense in two senses 1) So that annoying guy in her Gen Ed won't talk to her on the bus and 2) Knowledge is power, and she knows her Wordsworth obsessed teacher will ask some question about Lyrical Ballads next class. 

The Wild English Major Wildabeest strikes when you least expect it. A silent creature, she creeps almost un-noticeably in the back of classrooms, watching the Frat Boy-us and the Hungover-us flounder about as the Great Horned Grad Student tries to generate some discussion. She is the unknown predator, slowly watching her prey sleepily raise their hands in class--she strikes as essays become due, or during the last week of class. She may go in for the kill as she takes exact quotes from the assigned reading, references classics that she read outside of class, or attends office hours.

Namaste.