If Facebook asked cool questions

So, if you follow Maria's blog, you'll note that she raised the point that Facebook asks rather inane questions. Sure, "how you doing?" is a fantastic nod to Joey, but is it really that thought provoking? I found Maria's list of questions to be both hilarious and thought provoking, and so, without further ado, here are my answers to her brilliant list:

1) Where have all the good handlebar mustaches gone?
To Pluto. And then Pluto got unjustly demoted. So all the handlebar mustaches got demoted.
2) Do you want to buy the world a Coke? 
I want to buy the world an Orange Crush. Because, friends, there's nothing like your first crush. Also, it's like drinking an orange creamsicle. And nothing is as genius as that flavor.
3) Do you think Professor Snape got what was coming to him?
This question is quite a to-do. I think we'd all agree that he was kind of a dick to Harry, and just 'cause he looked like Snape's nemesis, that doesn't give Snape the right to be all "well, you should be expelled because you didn't hop around on your left foot for an hour and thirteen minutes." Let's be real here, Snape was kinda brash, and hardly a sympathetic character. I mean, J.K. Rowling pounded it into our heads that Harry has his mother's eyes, so Snape should at least be sympathetic to that. Or, he could expel all of Harry's body parts except for his eyes, then just have a pair of eyeballs traipsing around Hogwarts.
...Is there a spell for that?
I did have an inkling that Snape was truly loyal to Dumbledore, but it's not fair to say he deserved to die. Maybe a good thrashing or two.
4) Does Mulan count as a Disney Princess?
No. She's not a princess. She is a ruler of all badass-ery. And that is far cooler than any princess title.
5) Did the third Spiderman film ruin the franchise?
I've never seen Spiderman. You can yell at me later.
6) At what point does Leonardo DiCaprio cease to be attractive?
I don't know, but I think it's a great tragedy for us all. Also, I sincerely hope it doesn't ruin The Great Gatsby because then all hope in the world would cease to exist. But yeah, DiCaprio got doughy, so perhaps he should go running after Claire Danes again. Or something.
7) Are ankle socks practical or frustrating?
Pretty damn retro and sexy. No pain, no gain.
8) Who is your king of choice in Game of Thrones?
The sexiest one. I don't know. I don't watch Game of Thrones either.
9) Are you more likely to trust someone with a British accent?
YES YES YES YES. If Alex Day told me to jump off a bridge, I would build a bridge just to jump off of.
Then again, I don't know what I ever did to deserve jumping off a bridge. Alex, you should re-think your advice.
10) Does listening to Green Day make you feel like a teenage rebel?
No, it makes me think about my funeral.

11) Are Slytherins all bad?
I AM A SLYTHERIN SO NO, OBVIOUSLY NOT! Slytherins are unjustly portrayed as flat characters!!! They are people too!
12) Humans or zombies?
Cats.
13) Does a Lannister always pay his debts? 
Sure, why not.
14) To be or not to be?
I think I'll take booth 3B.
15) Do you believe left handed people deserve equal rights or should scissors be for right handed people alone?
We deserve equal rights in this society! I personally believe we shouldn't be told to "scoot towards the middle" of a giant lecture hall because when we take notes, we have to criss-cross our hands and turn our wrists into one giant pretzel. Also, people gotta get working on making left handed scissors that don't just sit there and mock your inability to cut even a piece of paper.
16) Is it socially acceptable to wear corduroy pants?
With a solid colored shirt.
17) Is it okay to write poems about toes?
Yes!:
The toenails of the yoga girl
The toenails of the yoga girl
dig their way into the earth,
tickled by the cold mud.
They wriggle freely.
Her first coat of sky blue
nail polish slides into
the grass.
The second coat,
half finished,
clings on.
A city toenail has pristige
and posture,
with three full coats
of shiny polish.
The yogic toenail is scratched
and torn,
bloody from the time
your handstand slunk
into the wall.
She slides her feet
into a worm’s home,
greeting it with grace.
The worm investigates
the smells of deep warrior pose
and late nights by the fire.
Her feet lay still,
inviting the Earth
to join them.

...That was a thing that happened.




18) Are you watching too much HBO?
Yeah, Lena Dunham, what's up with that? But also, what is this "too much" you refer to? There is never enough HBO.
19) What is your Patronus?
John Green.
20) Is the penny a worthwhile form of currency?
Sometimes, I stick pennies between my feet to separate my toes before I paint them. So absolutely.
*Editors note: I don't actually do that. So no.
21) Did it hurt your feelings when Pluto was demoted from planet status?
See question one.
22) Did you know that Pterodactyls don't exist and, if so, how do you feel about that?
Kristina Horner (italktosnakes) told me, and life was never the same. HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME LIKE THAT, CHILDHOOD???
23) How do you get to Never Land? 
By watching Johnny Depp be smashingly sexy in Finding Neverland. Oh, and paying me a million dollars.
24) Why are elephants so adorable?
'Cause Ganesha destroys all obstacles. Also, they have cool ears.
25) Does Facebook have the right to ask you all these questions?
No! Facebook, why do you dare inquire about my personal life?


Namaste.