How to Succeed in English Class (Without Really Trying)

As the new semester ends my blissfully un-stressful winter break (anybody still in denial that real life is like, starting?), I've noticed a trend among English and non-English majors alike. Most everybody has that "easy class" where professors actually *gasp* go over the syllabus during syllabus week and introduce ice breakers and everybody's friends, la dee da.

These are very rarely English classes. English class is where socialization goes to die and professors go to enforce their creative genius. These are the classes that result in cries of despair and "eek! I have 4 papers due this week, a thesis, and an analysis of the meaning of my own teeth, which I must pull out of my mouth by Thursday!"

One of these is not true; on good weeks, 3 papers are due.

So. How do you get through these classes without losing your mind?

1) If there is water of any form in a book (ocean, lake, a glass of water), write about it. Your entire paper should be about water--it is a symbol for life, love, loss, that sentence you uttered last Thursday, and everything in between. Make your argument that the flow of the water is a statement the author is trying to make about the flow of the narrative. The less flow the actual narrative has, the more the water symbolizes said flow. If there is any hint of sadness in this book, the water represents the characters' tears. If you ignore the symbolism of water, it will soon be your tears.

2) You don't "use" anything in an English class. You utilize it.

3) You are creative spirit. You are a creative spirit. Does that guy sitting next to you eating a sandwich know that you are a creative spirit? Tell him.

4) Bring back every reading you discuss to "the system." Nobody likes the system. There is a chance your English professor had some weird, dreadlocked phase where he poured all his energy into fighting the system. You will get major brownie points for this one.

5) Make sure everybody (especially your professor) knows that your favorite book is Lolita. You will instantly become deep on so many levels.

6) You'll become even more deep if everyone knows you're listening to Bob Dylan.

7) Start listening to Bob Dylan.

8) Relate every reading to deconstructionist theory. You don't really know what deconstructionist theory is, but some French guy talked about it, so it has to sound impressive, right? If your professor ends up being master of all the theories and questions why a certain text rings true to deconstructionism, get really still and whisper "neither can live while the other survives."

9) Begin everything you say in class with "let me suggest that..." This will make you sound both un-threatening, and like you're constructing a paper right in front of your professor.

10) And remember, the pen is mightier than the sword. So when that engineering major asks you what you're going to do with an English degree, stab his hand with a pen.*

*This probably won't make you succeed in English class. But it will make you win at life.**
**Just kidding, violence is not the answer. Just tell him you're going to law school and be done with it.

And if all else fails, get a pair of hipster glasses and tell everyone you're writing the next great American novel. 

Namaste.