Peanut Butter Jelly Time--Or, Why the French Should Jump on the Peanut Butter Train

I'm not usually a picky eater. I mean, as long as there's something edible in front of me, I'm happy to douse it in cheese like a true American. But there's something about Pop-Tarts that have just seemed unappealing. Maybe it's the fact that they're not supposed to taste good to those who are too lazy to put them in a toaster (true story). Or that my brother and I grew up hearing that they tasted like cardboard and that Gatorade was donkey sweat.

Does not want to be associated with corporate beverages

Tastes like it anyway

But until today, I didn't give Pop-Tarts the benefit of the doubt. It turns out, even the right flavor of cardboard can make your taste buds explode with happiness. I mean, S'mores are great and all, but when your outer layer of a pastry tastes like graham cracker, life just gets complicated. I mean, is it a cracker, is it a breakfast food--make up your mind!

But going to my boyfriend's apartment, I discovered the second largest collection of Pop-Tarts I have ever witnessed--the first being at work, but seeing as that's a grocery store, let's not judge here. By the time I left, Pop-Tarts were practically coming out of my ears. This on top of the fact that I'm always hungry, made for the inevitable: facing my breakfast related trepidations. And so, biting into that chocolate-peanut butter melange of deliciousness, my brain did something akin to this:

And that's when the epiphany of all epiphanies happened:

Peanut butter makes everything better. 
I mean, let's look at this objectively: Why do you think the French scowl so much? They don't have peanut butter. Sure, Nutella is amazing, but how does "Nutella/Jelly time" sound?

That's not sexual. Not even on Wednesdays.

Not convinced?

How do you get kids excited about eating healthy? Ants on a log. And while the odd similarity between raisins and ants is enticing, it's the creamy, sweet, rich peanut butter that makes the celery something other than a stringy, weird mess.

And I mean, everybody knows that the waffle shop downtown is an imposter and can never reach the original Waffle Shop's standards. But its selling point--peanut butter pancakes--keeps it in business. Why even bother with other pancake choices when you can have extra delicious on your deliciousness?

If for some absurd reason, you're not human and don't like peanut butter, the epicness of this food group (yes, I'm categorizing it in its own food group, what now?) doesn't just stop at its taste. Being fresh(ish) out of high school, I've heard my fair share of "that's what she said"s, and innuendos, and while there's a clever zinger every now and again, most sexual jokes are predictable and overused. But "peanut butter jelly time" is sneaky enough to keep people wondering, but not so obscure that you just seem like that person who gets really excited by school lunches. It's sexual without even trying to be sexual.

In the words of Robin Thicke, "what rhymes with hug me?"

Freaking...deliciousness. That's what rhymes with hug me.

*spoiler alert: It doesn't actually rhyme. Shh, don't tell anyone.

Happy Monday!

Namaste.