What Good Charlotte Taught Me

So lately I've been listening to some Good Charlotte songs, and while I appreciate their playful sound and meter and all quality song-ish things, I think we can agree that the true gems of this band are found in their ever-so-insightful lyrics. I mean, how else would I know that a woman should present herself as an object who could easily excuse immature behavior if she sucks her man's dick for long enough?

'Cause that's not plastered enough around society, oh no.

Riot Girl taught me that tattoos and piercings are fucking hot. If you don't have the bad-ass look, you're just not desirable enough. The more presentable you are to the respectable world, the less presentable you will seem to that guy who wants to rip your clothes off. The line "and everywhere we go, she gets us thrown out constantly but that's okay 'cuz I know, I know, I know my baby would do anything for me," tells us that, hey, even if you do have a bit of an attitude problem, it's totally okay because the very essence of your existence is to make your man happy. Why else would women be on the planet? Surely not to think for themselves. No, she's got to let her man know that she would do absolutely anything for him, and that if he didn't exist, she wouldn't either.

Break Apart Her Heart taught me that we should all just scope out relationships for the sake of the game. Clearly the object of being in love is to win, to say "hey, I kept you around the longest because of my tact and wit!" Obviously Good Charlotte has got it figured out as to how to create a solid relationship: "The only way a woman is gonna want a man, the only way you'll ever keep her in your hands, is breaking apart her heart." Sure, it may not be fun to brutally toy with a living being's sense of self worth and emotions, but clearly life is not about being comfortable in the moment--it's to say you won, that you had the control all this time. You can't lose sight of what's most important: Getting a girl to fawn over you. And if such fawning requires making her feel like absolute shit, well then, get straight to the dick-headed moves. Being a prick clearly is the only way to keep a nice warm set of tits next to you at all times.

Girls & Boys taught me that all relationships are not only based off of power, but are fake as well. I mean, obviously the only thing that girls like are "cars and money," not something as pure as, I don't know, human affection?? Nope, all we care about is shopping sprees and having someone to pad up our wallets. And don't even go so far as to attempt calling women funny, because guys are only gonna give you the pity laugh in between buying you shoes. If men don't have the material goods and women don't have the "other" goods, well then, this relationship just isn't going to work, is it?

Sex On The Radio taught me that while a woman's, erm, assets are perfectly desirable, it's really the sounds she makes that make her worth keeping around. If her man pushes the right buttons, he'll get the right station. Just like on a radio, he can press play whenever the hell he wants. "Whenever I push play, she's screaming in stereo" re-enforces the previous idea that women are mere objects that can't talk back. Of course, this radio should "keep it in the sheets, the radio, the beats, so that other radios don't get overpowered by certain stations in case the man wants to listen to some other types of songs. As long as there's a play button that has the same general station, individuality serves no purpose.

So remember Good Charlotte's wise advice that women are play things that are meant to pleasure a man. Anything different is purely feminist jargon.

Namaste.