In defense of coffee

Dear internet friends, I've noticed a sad pattern amongst adults these past few months: Coffee is getting an increasingly negative reputation, despite its attributes of making people live longer, and more importantly, instantly giving the shy sort so much more to say. It's like alcohol without that whole legality bit getting in the way. But oftentimes I hear people say they are either trying to quit the coffee habit so that their teeth can blind a person when bared in the sunlight, or they just don't want to get hooked in the first place. "It's expensive," I hear, "I don't want to get caffeine headaches," or my favorite, "it's too hipster." That's tea, folks. Unless you show up with some herbal coffee, I'm not buying that last point.

I am a proud coffee drinker, and not only do I plan on continuing with this routine, but I would like to defend the positive traits that I see in my morning cup (make that industrial sized mug) that I chug every morning. Having something to look forward to when I first wake up (a must in crappy valley winters) gives me a jump start to my day, and even if the caffeine supposedly doesn't hit for an hour, having done something--even if it is pouring half a can of whipped cream onto coffee and calling it low calorie--makes me more inclined to get out of my moose pants and lobster slippers and put on some clothes a nineteen year old might actually wear. This may or may not have something to do with my inability to sleep in past ten o'clock, but at least I no longer have the inner debate about whether or not I should crawl out from under my covers. The call of caffeine, mixed with the horrid disco soundtrack my cell phone alarm blasts, is the perfect way for my entire morning to not get wasted in bed.

Not only is coffee a productivity enhancer, but it's a social drink as well. Maybe this is overlooked in college, seeing as it's not the "get up on the tables and make an ass of yourself" type drink, but more of a sophisticated beverage. The kind that makes people say things like beverage. I mean, can you picture people going into a bar and discussing things such as the meaning of life, or Ernest Hemingway? Nope, that kind of talk just goes with a cafe. Call me dorky, but my ideal outing would consist of spending an afternoon at Starbucks or Websters and going over writer-ly techniques (such as the rule that you must never use adverbs. Never!) over a steaming latte with some friends. Going out for a caffeinated drink is also the perfect casual dating option. As Eddie Izzard points out, even a bee keeper can ask "you want to go for a cup of coffee?" To which his love interest will say, "I don't want a cup of coffee from you, you're covered in bees!" And then everybody loses. But still. Normal people date invites in normal people job situations work better when a coffee shop of some sort is involved. Don't ask why. It just does.

And that is why I down massively unhealthy amounts of caffeine every morning, afternoon, and if the day has been particularly hectic, every night.

Namaste.