What Your Produce of Choice Says About You

Broccoli: I run morning, noon and night. I take my day of rest to sprint on the treadmill while the rest of the world is asleep. I measure out all of my food portions to the last ounce. Ranch, in my eyes, is the devil's condiment. A day without thirty minutes of cardio is a worthless one.

Apples: I work a nine to five job, I play soccer with my two kids and my dog Spot. I drink one glass of wine with dinner and am in bed by nine o'clock. A wild night for me may contain a second (half) glass of wine and some low fat ice cream. I secretly enjoy watching The Notebook. 

Chocolate covered blueberries: I'm healthy because I'm eating fruit, aren't I? Now allow me to throw my coat on my treadmill, erm, makeshift hanger and settle in with a beer.

Celery: I am forever immersed in my childhood and can't help but be amused by ants on a log. Also, peanut butter does an impeccable job covering up the tasteless crunch of celery.

Organic kale: Just let me drink my kombacha and meditate in peace! I'm trying to find my fourth chakra.

Romanesco: I live for adventure. Dinner time isn't a time of fueling, but of exploration! If a recipe is in "grandma's recipe book," I'm not having it. I improvise and experiment. Also, I hate the word "hipster." Fucking cop out.

Strawberries: You, do you see how sexy I am? How about now? Don't you see the way I'm putting the most sensual fruit into my mouth? Don't make me eat an entire box here. Okay, one more, if you promise to say my eating habits get you hot.

Lemons: Life is one giant game of truth or dare.

Onions: I had a rough childhood, okay? Don't ask me why I'm crying.

Carrots: I have an unhealthy obsession with rabbits. Ehh, what's up doc?

Oranges: I watch too much youtube and start personifying my fruit. Annoying orange, I will get my revenge!

Artichoke: My amount of patience is sent from the gods. I also have no job and can resort all my time to eating dinner. 3 bites and two hours later and we're getting somewhere, folks!

Potatoes: I'll start my diet tomorrow, after I'm done polishing off this cake. I live for superbowls, burgers and formulaic sitcoms that require little thought.

Starfruit: I'm still trying to figure what this shit is.

Namaste.