Texting 101: Grammar Nazis

There's something about single-letter words that our generation adores so much. And while I understand the pain of typing "you" back in the flip-phone era, the iPhone is smart enough to realize that "yu" is not some alien form of cheesecake, and is, in fact, the person with whom you are texting. Yet even during the "let's-make-everything-ridiculously-easy-and-let-technology-rule-us-all" phase, those who text still insist on avoiding vowels like the plague. Normal people would shrug and figure their texting partner was in somewhat of a hurry--maybe they had to buy some bananas, or rush over to a Scrabble game.

Some people are not normal people. Some people are grammar nazis.

 I have a perfectly stable relationship with the letter "U." It gives me useful life objects like umbrellas and unicorns. But as soon as I get a text with the letter "u" replacing the pronoun, my brain immediately flashes into something akin to this:

This side of the brain is not a happy place. This is the side of the brain that spends an hour alphabetizing books and cries "WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SHINY, COULD YOU NOT ADD TWO MORE LETTERS TO THAT WORD??"

It turns out I am not alone in this sentiment. The "U" vs. "you" debate has been the subject of many angry YouTube comments--it's nearly as heated as the "your" vs "you're" debacle.

And so, for the safety of the friends and family of grammar nazis, I've compiled a list of what not to do in these dire situations. Spoiler alert: I've done some of these. Permission to murder me with a pitchfork. Except please don't.

1) Do not replace letters with numbers.
As a complete math-aphobe, this one really sets me aside. Maybe you're telling me you're going to a xylophone concert, and all I see is "2Xy...lophone." Suddenly, I'm taken with the fear of solving 2xy to equal a phone. I could be staring at your text for hours, unable to realize that the xylophone concert ended an hour ago.

Not to mention, it actually takes more time to press the little button that takes you to the numbers than it does to type "to." Go ahead, time yourself. Numbers are the tortoise. You are the hare.

2) Omitting question marks.
If you're asking me, "what have I done to deserve this" [insert bad action here], I'm going to picture Bella Swan giving that cold, heartless stare. I mean, isn't this just a little cringe worthy?:
WHY CRUEL WORLD, WHY.
Question marks have loads of personality. They are the key to any strong pathos. Use them to your advantage. Yes, the curvy lines going all straight can be daunting, but even the predictable exclamation point is better than nothing.

3) Using ellipses after a complete thought.
When I see "I think I'm going to buy some oranges..." I expect a grocery bag filled with oranges, bananas, grapes, the works. That text was the beginning of a continuing thought. Those three dots are the literary equivalent of you standing in the grocery store thinking "hmmm, what else can I buy to keep us through the week?" I'm going to assume statement is going to end with a larger list of food, unless of course it ends with "then I'm going to prison for two years," in which case, we need to have a serious talk.

Ending your sentence with an ellipses is like a giant neon sign that says "TO BE CONTINUED, DEAR READER." So then, guess what, I see you buying those oranges, and I expect the story to be continued. Don't think you're just cloning your periods, you sneaky little bastard. We know better.

And remember: Practice safe sentences. Use semi-colons.

Namaste.