How to Holiday, the Cynic's Edition

With Christmas approaching, there is the inevitable stress of oh my God I have to get into the holiday spirit right now! Since we've all had 11 months of being normal cynical, miserable humans, it's time to hop back on that holiday bicycle and frosting-coat our misery with too many cookies and eggnog. Of course, it may take a little time and effort to get back into the holiday cheer, so I've compiled a list of tips on how to holiday:

1) Resolve to lost ten pounds over the holiday season. Sob every time you see a platter of cookies, and when you cave and eat one, eat twenty more because hell, you already broke your diet. Become so depressed that you can't commit to your diet that you end up gaining fifteen pounds, only to resolve to lose thirty pounds come New Year's Eve.

2) If you're in a relationship/married, fight over whose family gets you guys this year. When you try to convince your SO that you'll go to his house next year, become bitter and resentful when he says "but you said that last year," and refuse to talk to each other for a week. Eat Christmas turkey in bitter silence as you each go to your respective family's homes and try to convince your SO that you had so much fun with your cousin Carl, even though you both know you were miserable without each other.

3) Take an angry stance against holiday shopping, then panic when you don't have gifts for anyone a week before Christmas. End up fighting other holiday shoppers to the death until you get that Xbox your brother so desperately wanted, only to discover that two other people got him the exact same thing.

4) If you're single, cry every time you see a happy couple holding hands and wearing Santa hats. Convince yourself that couples are 1000% happier during any given holiday, making you 1000% more miserable in your singleness. Watch corny Netflix movies and cry yourself to sleep every night. Note: This step usually goes hand in hand with step 1.

5) Drink too much wine during Christmas dinner and start dancing on the table. Extra points if your grandmother is there.

6) As a result of said wine, challenge your family to a dart game and try to convince everyone that you're a champion dart player. Then do this: (true story)

7) Write cryptic Facebook statuses, either about how alone and depressed you are, or about how great life is and you are so #blessed. Really you should do this all year, but really try to outdo yourself during the holiday season. Remember, the more hashtags, the better.

8) Convince yourself and others that gifts are soooo overrated and that you don't need material goods to be happy. Then silently hate others for getting more gifts than you.

9) If your parents are divorced and they both want you to spend Christmas with them, instead of spending time with either of them, curl up in a corner in your room, plug your ears, and go "lalala I can't hearrrrrr you!" That way, everybody loses.

10) And if none of that puts you in the holiday spirit, repeat step five for the rest of eternity.

Namaste.