I smell a top-chart single.
Anyway.
That song got me thinking, well, if Jay-Z and I have the same not-problems, what exactly are our 99 problems?
And thus, my 99 problems list was born:
1) I cannot for the life of me find any matching socks. I'm pretty sure my dryer eats them as a bedtime snack or something. Or it could be that ever since the beginning of time, I've gone to bed with two socks on and emerged from bed with only one. I'm sure there's a pile of socks collecting dust in my sheets right now.
2) My last name is apparently incomprehensible. Hyphenations freak people the fuck out. Am I married? Divorced? A creature from Mars? The world will never know.
3) This.
5) Similarly, I have such an addiction to Bath & Body Works fragrance, that it's starting to not be able to fit on my dresser. I know smelling great is good and all, but at some point I start to smell like a weird mix of forest and chocolate and my skin doesn't even know what to think.
6) There will never be enough coffee in the world.
7) Justin Timberlake took my sexy, and he refuses to bring it back.
8) Ke$ha took all my glitter.
9) I'm twenty-one years old and I still desperately want to be covered in glitter.
10) I'm torn between loving sorostitute lipstick and not wanting to look like a sorostitute.
11) Every single shirt I wear is considered slutty, even tee-shirts with cartoons on them.
12) I love food...
13) And I want to be thin while still consuming is much food as I possibly can (see #4).
14) I get legitimately angry at people for not sharing my love of the em dash.
15) And for semicolons.
16) But when people start throwing colons in their essays, they better watch out.
17) My life is so littered with first world problems, I'm already running out of problems by #17.
18) I despise times new roman font, but I'm so trained to abide by MLA format, that I despise any other font.
19) Every time I go onto Youtube, I convince myself I will only watch one video and then do my homework.
20) I'm such a liar.
21) I'm still on a search for my alcohol not to taste like alcohol.
22) I despise it when people use parentheses, then I go on my blog and realize every post is littered with the very punctuation that I hate.
23) I hate my laugh, so when I try not to laugh, I end up thinking about dead puppies, which ends up making me laugh so hard that I snort.
24) I scold myself every day for laughing at the thought of dead puppies.
25) My feet are morally opposed to shoes.
26) I am a person who wants to experience nature without, y'know, actually experiencing nature.
27) I seem like an idiot who can't use scissors #lefthandedprobs
28) When I go on movie dates, I say things at the like "it's an educational experience in the inner workings of a strip club."
29) So then I don't get many dates.
30) I hate cooking (see #12).
31) I'm morally opposed to pens (see #27).
32) I'm quite possibly the only person in my twenties who still laughs at inappropriate poop jokes and "that's what she said" jokes.
33) I still get weirded out by saying I'm a person in my twenties.
34) I'm still waiting for my letter from Hogwarts.
35) Today I told my roommate that I wish I was Voldemort because he doesn't have to deal with things like runny noses.
36) Whenever I speak French to people, I end up spitting on them.
37) Whenever I speak French to people, I end up getting that "are you even speaking words?" look.
38) I wish being a writer involved not so much writing, but sitting around and thinking important thoughts and dictating words at people.
39) I tell people I'm an English major, and I instantly get a look of pity.
40) Or the whole "oh, so you want to be a teacher then?"
41) So apparently I'm turning into my parents.
42) It's more and more common for celebrities to be younger than me.
43) I think I just spotted a wrinkle on my face.
44) Oh shit.
45) I hate laundry so much, that I will actually buy new underwear, just so I don't have to do laundry.
46) Speaking of laundry...
47) Who has time to separate their whites and darks anymore? Not me, that's who.
48) My conversations with other humans are 20% my own original thought and 80% Eddie Izzard skits.
49) Every time someone has a birthday, I do Eddie Izzard's "cake or death" bit, and people think I've literally gone insane.
50) I'm in college, so I've literally gone insane.
51) I'm constantly in the struggle between being a hippie and hating Kumbucha, kale, and tea.
52) I tell people I meditate, but really I just sit there and think about not thinking.
53) I hate making plans with people, not because I hate people, but because I then force myself to show up to our designated hangout two hours early, and then I sit there and freak out about how late they'll be.
54) Online shopping is a thing.
55) My savings account is not a thing.
56) My entire paycheck goes to my workplace #peoplewholovecheese
57) My body forces me to dance in public places whenever there's music.
58) For some unknown reason, my friends pretend they don't know me in public places.
59) I'm OCD about not being too OCD.
60) I want to rule the world someday...
61) ...But I hate telling people what to do.
62) My entire train of thought during a yoga class is "if you keep me in this position for two more seconds, we'll have a problem."
63) I deny being a "typical girl"...
64) But I love Rom-Coms.
65) And pink.
66) And flowers.
67) I'm torn between thinking this love for rom-coms and pink and flowers is the patriarchy at work, or I'm just a walking cliché.
68) I have and always will be confused and intrigued by the invention of a spork.
69) I still laugh hysterically at this number.
70) I refuse to admit that Stars Hallow and Lorelai and Rory Gilmore are not real.
71) I have such an awful memory, that I write things that I've heard from a TV show/book/friend and think that I'm such a creative genius who came up with everything on my own.
72) I'm an English major who hates reading Shakespeare.
73) I have a desperate need to name everything I own "Alphonso."
74) The last time I named something Alphonso, I crashed it into cars and became $1000 in debt.
75) I spend so much time with my best friend, that we end up saying the exact same things at the exact same time.
76) People then assume me and said friend are the same person, and are utterly shocked when they don't see us together.
77) If I consciously think about breathing, I forget how to breathe.
78) I have kept a journal since 6th grade, so it will forever be documented that I said things like "cheetahlicious" and "gurrrrrrl power" (non-ironically, might I add).
79) I love the feeling after a Jillian Michaels workout, but I'm so terrified of her, that I feel like she's gonna leap out of my TV screen and tackle me.
80) I quite possibly consider my pillow pet a legitimate friend.
81) #foreveralone.
82) I'm a French minor, but every day I forget how to say certain numbers, letters, days of the week, etc. I mean, the literal translation in French for "ninety" is "four twenties and ten." What even is that?!??
83) I despise people who make lists on the internet.
84) I read far too many Thought Catalog articles to stay away from lists on the internet.
85) I want to look like a badass while still letting people know I'm not actually a badass.
86) Which is fine for me, since my body rejects anything badass (alcohol, hair dye, tattoos).
87) I once had a baby tooth that refused to grow up.
88) So now I have a $2000 fake tooth and I'm not even thirty yet.
89) I both want children and hate children, simply because their fingers are ALWAYS STICKY.
90) I'm at this weird place where people my age are getting married and I'm just like "I'm sixteen, what of it, pass the crayons please."
91) People tell me I should have grown out of my incessant need for dessert by now.
92) If I haven't had two desserts a day, something feels incomplete.
93) I am both inspired by Jess from New Girl, and horrified that I basically am her.
94) I'm still confused by what's fun about college parties.
95) Maybe it's because I'm a junior and I've never been to a college party.
96) I am forever cursed by being an introvert and extrovert at the same time.
97) Even if I realize I'm too old for glitter and stop wearing it, it still follows me wherever I go.
98) I can't hug people because I always get foundation on their shirts.
99) I am both ashamed and proud that I have become that person who makes Buzzfeed-esque lists on the internet.
Namaste.
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