Get Ready With Me, Voldemort Edition

Hey, guys! Voldemort here. I know you've immersed yourselves in mudblood makeup tutorials and the like, but really, the key to success is intimidation, and you're not scaring anyone with your cream blush and excessively pricey eyeshadow. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you just can't buy power at a store.

Some people think I'm naturally evil. That's totally flattering and everything, but it takes practice and hours of preparation to look like I'm about to throw some killing curses at you. And it's not that I want to give away ALL my secrets, but my Death Eaters are looking a little on the pansy side, and if I'm gonna get some new followers, you all need some tips.

You think I just wake up like this??

The first thing I do is roll out of bed at 5:00A.M. I usually have to set three alarms, since I'm desperate to finish my dreams about killing Harry Potter and meeting Justin Timberlake. I mean, a Dark Lord has got to prepared when he meets his favorite pop idol. I make my bed, make my to-do list on my cave wall (paper is sooo expensive these days), and text a death eater or two to tell them they really screwed up this time. Malfoy's got to work on his texting skills; the next time he says "lol kk Voldy," he's got it coming.

Next I prepare Nagini's breakfast. She's lost taste for human flesh, so now I have to deep fry human brain and sauté onions. It's a bit of a pain to rip the brains out of my victims, but Nagini has part of my soul, so I suppose I have to spoil the damn thing. Plus this gives me time to practice my death threats, and while Nagini eats breakfast, I stitch up my cape. It's gotten several battle tears, but capes these days are so pricey, and I don't get paid to be pure evil--sometimes, you've just got to scrounge for that dark lord wardrobe.

Next is my makeup routine. I'd shower (Bellatrix just got me cherry blossom body wash as a birthday gift!), but generally smelling of flowers is a distraction from my horrible disposition, so I strive to have as much stench as possible. The hardest part about my routine is covering up my nose. I'm really quite insecure about the Riddle nose, and it makes me seem more horrifyingly non-human, if I just pretend I don't have any insecurities, or sense of smell. Usually the best trick is to staple my nose to my cheek, then use a little bit of CoverGirl concealer to even out my skin tone. It's easy, breezy, and terrifying. I use a little eyebrow pencil to draw on the nose slits, throw on my cape, and head to my room.

This whole catching Potter thing has filled up my days, so I normally have to cut my pep talks short. But I'm sure to stand in the mirror for at least five minutes, and chant my mantra of "kill the chosen one," "you look hot, Voldy!" and sometimes "be off the charts, kill everyone at Hogwarts."

A little rhyming never hurt anyone.

I try to head out the door by 9A.M. No one expects an early morning attack from evil, and I try to keep everyone on their toes. Nighttime risings from Dark Lords are so last year.

And remember, if you can't beat 'em, beat 'em anyway and prove your haters wrong.