Awkward Human Beings

Somehow, in the past five years, it's become trendy to title yourself as "awkward." I've noticed people volunteer information that "oh yeah, I totally laugh at something I just remembered in public places," or "sometimes, I miss a spot when I'm straightening my hair, and it's mortifying."

I'm onto you, guys. I've seen those "awkward laughs." You chuckle for two seconds, then pull it off as a sneeze.

Because it's hard to distinguish between fashionably awkward, and just plain "I was picked last in gym class," I'm here to tell you about the truly awkward.

It looks a little something like this: (for all of Facebook to enjoy)

For some inexplicable reason, my brain has decided to find yodeling positively hilarious. One of my co-workers, coincidentally enough, has a yodeling  CD. Now, as someone who can pretty well fake normalcy during work, every time that singer warbles through the speakers, I am almost always helping a customer. In two seconds flat, my face goes from pleasant cheese server, to a contortion that looks like a combination between a wombat and a grouper fish. My laugh goes about two octaves higher, successfully sounding like a rabbit squeal, and everyone, both employees and customers, look at me like "why is she allowed in public places?" And yes, this goes on far beyond acceptable laughter-time.

Normal people laughs are so passé

An excellent question. The jury's still deciding on that one.

As someone who studies words 90% of her time, you'd think that I would have mastered the art of conversation a long time ago. However, once you've realized that you can't be twelve years old forever and your parents probably shouldn't talk for you, you realize that conversing involves people staring at you, expecting you to string a coherent line of words together, preferably sans-stutter, all while they drill their eyes into your soul.

Consequently, there are no lifelines. There's no get out of jail free card. One time, while talking to a neighbor I hadn't seen in ten years, I almost said "I'd like to take the phone a friend option," then realized I'm horribly awkward on the phone.

During small talk is conveniently the time that my mind decides to blank out on the simplest of words. And since Google brains haven't been invented yet, I have to smile my way through calling spoons "round eat-y thingys" and needing to take a minute to remember my own age.

If I do by some miracle remember basic vocabulary, I still go on first dates, try to impress boys, and call movies "educational experiences in the inner workings of a strip club."

 And if I'm nervous, the phrases just get more and more insulting. Apparently it's a bad idea to walk into a tattoo parlor, declare that it's stupid to get tattoos of significant others' names, only to realize that your tattoo artist has Amandas and Catherines all over his body.

So that was a thing that happened.

Namaste.