Contrary to popular belief, groups of female friends seldom have the exact same pee schedules, nor do they spend the entire bathroom session talking about you. While we may enter said bathroom with the full intention of discussing how that shirt makes you look like a naked mole rat, there are several parts of the bathroom talk that remain unknown. As I tell you this, I'm already in the process of moving to a cave in an unknown location and changing my name, as this is some sacred shit you're about to hear--we've kept it in secret for thousands of years now.
We may begin the conversation with talk of how your nose looks like it's about to take flight with that ring in it. But we end the conversation with world domination plans.
Because who run the world? Girls.
Beyoncé knows her shit.
So how do we go from discussion about boys to world domination? The two are not altogether separate.
Sure, we admit that oftentimes you guys have the upper hand with muscles and intimidating grunts and roars and smashing things with your fist. We have no problem massaging your egos and saying yes, yes, you're very strong, you can pick heavy things up and put them down.
So, in the bathroom, we devise a world domination plan not with physical strength, but your physical weaknesses.
Our first strategy involves the power of boobs. While it's dangerous to begin world domination with such a powerfully devastating move, we're willing to take the risk of flashing the world until you devolve into a blubbering blob of hormones. We may start small, wearing suggestive clothing such as camisoles and halter tops, and work our way up to half-frontal nudity. After all, these skin-exposing tops were purely designed to freak you the fuck out.
We hope to work up to flash mobs, where we dance around malls, amusement parks, and other unsuspecting areas, so we catch you at your most vulnerable.
Once we knock out the weakest of man kind, we'll break out the subtler of strategies--the power of words. Circling around the males of our choosing, we will discuss the nature of our menstruation cycles, pregnancy, and, for the more experienced world dominators, menopause. In order to ensure our opponents do not use their power of tuning women out, we will repeat key words such as "vagina," "child support," and "PMS."
These are very haunting words, so we use them wisely. The best method is to be as graphic as possible, while still making the conversation come off as totally casual. For instance, we've learned to say "blood" like we're talking about the weather.
The third and final strategy often takes years to perfect--the line between haunting and exaggerated is so fine, that it sometimes take a PhD in female world domination to get it right. Here, we play the "emotions" move, where we go from extremely happy, to extremely sad and back again in sixty seconds or less. This tricks you into believing we are "weak" or "unstable," and thus you will no longer be on fight mode. We compliment these drastic emotion changes with extreme facial expressions, sometimes to show how demonic and scary we can be, other times to trick you into thinking we're crazy.
If we're smiling so wide you can see our eyes bulging out, at first glance, it's because we're thrilled to see you. Deep down, it's because we're baring our teeth, ready to fight.
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| A seemingly innocent bathroom selfie...don't let it fool you |
If you see us crying on the couch, half the time it's because we're taking a world domination break and watching Titanic. Other times, it's to encourage you to come closer and try to comfort us so we can thwack you and let the battle begin.
Every good battle begins with tears. Remember that.
Namaste.
