Dead Puppies, Drowning Twins, and Other Tales from My Eight-Year-Old Brain

So, when I went home to cry over a mass pile of dirty clothes do laundry, I found a box of old notebooks and sketchbooks entitled "Groovy Moments!" (don't ask). Most of the notebooks contained stories of a young girl who set out to New York to become a famous actress (hmmm, projection anyone?), but there was one book in particular that caught my attention:

Basically, it was just a notebook that gave prompts like "write about something that inspires you!", but, being an eight year old with a psychotic slightly disturbing sense of humor, I took my inspiration to an...interesting level.

So, I present to you, some of the gems a much younger Kira conjured up:

"Math I don't get. I hate it when I feel stupid. There's a lot I hate, but I really hate it when I have to go to bed early."

"Interesting things to write about:
Aliens in the swimming pool
Cars in the sky
Planes in a parking lot
A half lion half monkey
A silent storm
Flowers that dance
Edible plants
Characters that come alive
Houses that float
Dogs that talk
Stores that run
Icky Sticky Chicken Parts
A pile of gasoline
A planet called 'the chair'
No stars at night
A TV show called 'Hey Dummy'
A dog that holds a circus."

"Sarah's birthday was soon, so Lulu decided to get two cats. She went to the store and got the cats named Sunrise and Sunset.
The owner said, "be careful because they're opposites and you know what that means."
Lulu didn't listen. She put them in the box and drove to Sarah's house and Sarah eagerly opened it. When she saw what it was, she started to cry. The cats are dead. And nobody spoke ever since."

"Once upon a time a mother dog was giving birth. Seven of the pups were so cute, but the 8th one was disgusting. After a couple of weeks, the pups were for sale. A blind woman took the ugly one. She was going to give it to her daughter for her birthday. So the blind woman named Lulu wrapped up the present and gave it to her. Anna the girl screamed but had to take care of the dog anyway. And they never ever lived happily ever after."

"Once upon a time there were two people. They were twins. Their names were Ira and Ira. The Ira who was born first was smart and clever. The Ira who was born after the first was very dumb. They were invited to their friend's house for a sleepover. So they went. When they got there, they played Tic-Tac-Toe, Library [what?], Shoots and Ladders and cats. When the were done, they had a plan. But before they could do it they had to go to bed. The next day, when the parents weren't looking, they rushed outside. They ran into the pool and jumped in. Then they drowned. The mother and father wept."

"Once upon a time there were some people. They were very very poor. They lived in a one room cabin. When Christmas came, the kids' grandparents had just enough money to buy a bed. So they got the kids a bed for Christmas. When it was bedtime, the kids asked if they could stay up till midnight. The parents said yes. The kids danced and twirled until it was time for bed. It was a Halloween night and it was a full moon. So when the kids climbed into bed, the bed opened its mouth wide and ate the kids."

"Sometimes I try ending a story 4 different ways:
1) The person sneezes and the house blows up.
2) The house sneezes and the person blows up.
3) They both sneeze and blow up.
4) They don't sneeze and don't blow up."

"Once there was a dog
who met a crazy hog.
They tried to pick up a log
but they couldn't see in the fog.
So they met Nog
who had a pet Zog."

...I'm starting to wonder if my parents were concerned for their safety. My father's reaction to this was "what drugs did we have you on?"

Eh. Normalcy is overrated, anyways.

Namaste.

You're a Wizard, Harry: How to Get Your Parents to Think You're a Technological Wizard

So, contrary to popular belief, '90's kids do not pop out of the womb knowing how to fix computers, televisions, and that weird, screen thing that captures moments (that's called a camera). You could just be an average, "just-let-me-facebook-and-tumblr" kid, who has no wish to learn about HTML codes.

That's just fine. Hey, I've gone twenty years knowing how to limp through word docs and iTunes and I'm not dead yet.

But there is a way to make your parents think you have all the technological answers, and that you can make things work with the force of your mind. It won't be easy, and there will be moments when you want to blow your cover and be all "hey, Mom and Dad, that whole wizard thing? Yeah, I'm not one."

Be cool. Ice cold, even.

The easiest source of trickery is the power of Google. If your parents have that all-too-familiar squinty eyed look at the computer, and they have a problem such as "I need to drag this table to the second page, but the text isn't coming with it!", first off, gently guide their hand off the kitchen table they're dragging. And even if you've never encountered this problem ever before, simply refer to Google, read the steps, then report back to your parents. Trust me, they won't suspect a thing. This is a generation that still refers to phone books. Your secret is safe with me.

The next step is to pull up a picture (preferably of someone's face) on your iPhone, then zoom in on it. To the untrained eye, this looks like you are pinching their face and making their nose enlarge. You can also perform the magical act of "I'm making people disappear with the flick of a finger" by flipping through your phone's photo album.

Use any transition on powerpoint.

A more advanced version of "I'm making people disappear with my finger" is to download snapchat on your parents' phones. This is for the semi-trained older generation, so be aware.

Namaste.

A Little Like Advertising, But With More Shiny Things

I'm gonna be honest here. I don't have any grand revelations, or parody song lyrics here. I have some things brewing in my brain (see, there's the teaser part of the advertising), but I've been a little wrapped up in reading Esther Earl's book trudging through homework to actually execute those ideas. So really, I'm just here to tell you that my friend/roommate/cohort in crazy random happenstances have a new blog called 642 Things To Write About: Two Writers, One Book. You can read about dog dreams, astronauts on surfboards, and things you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole (hint: the Grinch). Everything is explained over there, so why are you still here? Seriously. I don't have anything else left to say. I don't even have any food to offer you. Like, want some sour milk? That's all I have. Just...click, damnit!

Okay. I lied before. I do have some chocolate. May I bribe you with some robin eggs? No? You're a tough customer, I give you that. Maybe I can convince you that you will be a wise, learned individual after reading this blog. Or, at the very least, it won't kill you. Hey, you can't say we don't advertise honestly here at Coffee, Yoga and Life's Other Necessities.

Namaste.